OK, I watched the finals show last night and as much as I hate it, I gotta fess up — David Archuleta sang better and deserves to win. But am I the only one who thinks this was the most annoying finals show ever?
First of all, who was the lamebrain who came up with the stupid fight theme? That proved interesting for about the first 30 seconds, but then Fox kept pummeling you with it like Mike Tyson beating some helpless schmoe into a pulp in the corner. I mean, give me a break! Who is gonna buy a heavyweight fight between two guys who are smaller than Ryan Seacrest?
Were you wondering who was that mindless talking head the director kept inserting into the screen every 5 minutes? You know, the strangely unidentified old guy from 1980’s TV that 11-year olds were somehow supposed to recognize? The oaf who kept spouting ponderously lame “boxing wisdom from the ages,” like, “The first two rounds are boxing. The third round is a fight.” Well, his name is Jim Lampley, a has-been sideline sports reporter who apparently is facing foreclosure on his lake house in Chechnya and so agreed to periodically intone hackneyed sports observations for no discernible reason in return for a month’s house payment and agreeing to remaining nameless. Entertainment at its finest!
David Archuleta won for two reasons. One, he has the best voice. Two (and most important), the format of the show was incredibly biased in his favor. By flip of a coin, he got to sing each of his three songs last. Singing last is always an advantage, because you get to see how the other person does and one-up them.
Another advantage the kid had was that the songs were limited to about a minute-and-a-half. That means the 6 songs took up only about 9 minutes out of a hour show! This favors sappy ballads over rock songs that have to be cut short just as they get rockin’. C’mon, this is a singing show! Cut out all of the stupid fight dementia and let the finalists sing!
Grumpians, I promise this is the last post about “American Idol.” But I have to let you know that fresh-faced, nutrasweet, little David is not what he seems. Seeking to broaden his appeal to people with outstanding warrants, and even merely average ones, he has reportedly split from his father and has asked Lynne Spears to manage his career. And one more thing — he says he’s from Utah, but sources tell me he’s really from Roswell, New Mexico. Are they now allowing aliens on “American Idol?”