Why Women Marry

July 7, 2008 | By | Comments (0)

Many books have been written detailing what a woman really wants from a man.

According to the authors, female priorities include:

• Love
• Companionship
• Children
• Financial Security
• Emotional Support

Of course, this is totally wrong. What a woman wants most of all from a man is the willingness to squash a bug.

Let one spider, ant, millipede, or roach crawl across the floor and a typical woman will immediately respond with a bone-rattling, “EEEEEEEEEE!!!! Kill it!! Kill it!!”

Any man who fails to take appropriate action will never pass on his genes to the next generation.

We’ve Been Bugged
The Grump knows this first-hand. My teenage son recently complained from his lair in the basement, where he has elevated the pursuit of sloth to a fine art, that he could hear little skittering noises coming from the drop ceiling above his head. So I lifted up one of the panels, stuck my head to see what was going on and…..


Big, black roaches everywhere. Hundreds of them. “Roaches.” I said solemnly. My wife immediately grew nauseous, fled up the stairs, and ordered me to kill them. Kill them all!

Seeing as how I’ve already passed on my genes, you might think I could refuse. No way. As Judy has explained to me numerous times when I threatened to disobey, I have to sleep sometime.

This Is War
So I opened my arsenal of products dedicated to killing whatever frightens or grosses out women (I’m surprised Hugh Hefner is still alive) and selected the perfect weapon for the job – Bengal Tiger Gold Roach Spray. This stuff quickly flushes out and kills adult roaches and also contains a growth regulator that stops baby roaches from maturing and laying eggs. Cool.

I lifted up a square of drop ceiling, hit the button, and fogged the entire area under it. Worked like a charm. In just a few minutes, no more skittering. Roaches dead. Hundreds of bodies belly-up. Cool.

Not So Fast
When I proudly proclaimed the triumph of man over vermin to Judy, I expected her unqualified affirmation and respect. Instead, she said, “So you’re just going to leave them there?” I didn’t see her point at first, but then she reminded me, “You have to sleep sometime.”

Uhhh. The worst part of the job was about to begin.

Lock and Load
I gathered my equipment – breathing mask, step ladder, flashlight, and vacuum cleaner with a long hose. I then proceeded to lift up ceiling tiles at various points, determine where the dead roaches were, and suck them into the vacuum cleaner. Some of the roaches were so big, it sounded like sucking down marbles. I also vacuumed up a lot of roach poop, which is not nearly as much fun as it sounds.

Please don’t let the bag explode, I prayed.

In addition to roaches and roach poop, I vacuumed up big, gross spiders, vicious-looking wasps, little scorpions, and some weird, extraterrestrial bugs I have yet to identify. But at least they all were dead.

Finally, the terrible job was done. My basement ceiling is now debugged. Judy is happy and that’s really good news.

Because I have to sleep sometime.


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