Front Lawn Justice

July 30, 2008 | By | Comments (5)

Keith Walendowski is a hero. And because of that, he now faces 6 years in prison and an $11,000 fine.

Like most of us, this 56-year-old Milwaukee man owns a gas lawn mower that lacks motivation. No matter how many times he pulled the cord, that lazy sucker wasn’t going to start. So Keith did what any self-respecting, intelligent lawn mower owner would do when faced with such blatant disrespect and dereliction of duty. He pulled out a rifle and shot his mower. Pow!

Triumph of Reason
When confronted by police, Keith explained, “I can do that, it’s my lawn mower and my yard, so I can shoot it if I want.” You are so right on, Keith. This is America, where any man has the constitutional right to blow away any piece of lawn and garden equipment he chooses.

Now I know some of you lawn mower bleeding hearts are condemning Keith, so I’ll ask you a simple question and request an honest answer. Haven’t you ever felt like shooting your lawn mower?

I Confess
I have. Lotsa times. Like when the grass is 8 inches tall and it’s a mess and the neighbors are complaining and the old lady’s on my case and I gotta get this done before the game comes on and it’s hot and my shorts are ridin’ up again and I just stepped in dog poop and I’m starting to gag, so I pull that rope and nothing happens and I pull again and nothing happens, and I pull and pull and pull and pull…..Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

‘Scuze me mower, gotta fetch something from the closet. Be right back. You just stay right where you are. Won’t be but a second.

I’ve even written a poem about my relationship with my mower. It goes like this:

Mower wouldn’t start after 51 yanks
Kill my lawn mower, kill my lawn mower
Put a .22 round right in the tank
Kill my lawn mower, kill my lawn mower
K-I-L-L my lawn mower.

Set Keith Free
Keith only did what he had to do – make an example of a recalcitrant mower to show mowers all over America that we won’t be victims any longer. And because of his courageous stand, he now faces loss of his freedom and more importantly, his lawn. Fellow Grumpians, we can’t let that happen. I urge all of you to join with me in calling for Keith’s freedom.

Shoot, it’s the least we can do.


  1. Bren

    I have a friend in Missouri who uses her pee to fertilize her garden. She grows organic veggies and told me that pee is great fertilizer.
    Now, you have confirmed it. This spring, I may do what my granny used to do at night and that is to hike my dress and take a squat in my garden. ha ha

    February 14, 2012 at 3:52 pm
  2. Billy Bob

    Free speech should win out but it would be nice to find some way to limit the timing of these peoples bad behavior.

    December 10, 2010 at 9:01 pm
  3. Mel

    Wow Grump, I had no idea that the good ole planet Urine had so many beneficial qualities. Gone are the days of breaking up with a guy due to his incessant need to pee on my flowers…I’ll welcome it, in fact, I’ll demand it! I’m glad you spelled it out in your poop on pee…not to do so if you have diseases, to pee on the base of plant, and to do not keep pee over a day old. This will help me to find the perfect mate really…one with strategy, aim, and who’s disease free. This blog is way more than just gardening tips…it’s relationship tips as well. So long Dear Abby, the Grumpy Gardener’s in town and he’s pissed!

    August 2, 2008 at 7:34 pm
  4. Grumpy Gardener

    So let me understand this. You see a picture of me pointing a gun at my lawn mower and holding a beer and urine is the first thing that comes to mind? Why is that?
    The Grumps suspects the truth, Melanie. Your past boyfriends all liked to drink beer in excessive amounts and then found themselves outside in the yard with an urgent need to evacuate their bladders. Doing so in the bathroom would require a modicum of effort, so these sophisticated men of the world decided instead to relieve themselves on your flowers. You, of course, caught and scolded them — “What are you, some kind of animal?” — whereupon they defended their actions by saying, “Chill out, babe, I’m providing some quick-release nitrogen required by your lovely nasturtiums to extend their blooming through these hot summer days. Got any more Bud?”
    Americans today tend to be grossed out by this, but the fact is, human urine has been used as a garden fertilizer throughout much of the world for centuries. On a recent rafting trip through the Grand Canyon, I met a woman who grew up in Hong Kong. We got to talking about gardening and she told me that when she was a little girl, her grandmother kept a special jug in the bathroom to collect urine. She used it to fertilize her flowers and vegetables. Later, when her family moved to California, her mother did the same thing. She had the biggest tomatoes and finest flowers in the neighborhood.
    I wonder if the garden editors at Sunset are planning a story on this.
    For anyone considering using human urine this way, here’s the poop on pee:
    1. It’s a good fertilizer, containing nitrogen, potassium, and phosphorus, the three major nutrients plants need.
    2. It’s usually sterile, unless you have an infection or a disease, in which case you should use the toilet or move to France.
    3. Don’t use urine more than a day old or it will start smelling like the elevator at the airport parking garage.
    4. Dilute it with 10 parts water to 1 part pee before using.
    5. Don’t get it on foliage or it may burn. Apply it around the base of the plant.
    6. When people ask what you feed your tomatoes to get them so big, say, “Miracle-Gro.”
    Hope that answers your question, Mel. Got any more Bud?

    August 2, 2008 at 4:13 pm
  5. Mel

    I will raise my freak flag with you “Free Keith, Free Keith, kill my lawn mower, free keith!” We have to send a message here. On a serious note, I have a garden question for you. I have had boyfriends in the past that have tried to convince me that urinating in my flower bed is good fertilizer for them. What are your thoughts?

    August 1, 2008 at 6:43 pm

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