Give Me Doughnuts or Give Me Death

August 28, 2008 | By | Comments (9)

I’ll go out on a limb and guess that most of you would not expect to see a scene like this one in Southern Living. At Southern Living, we don’t show crumbs, we don’t show smears, we don’t show dirty knives and forks, and we certainly don’t show a basket of doughnuts that looks like it’s been attacked by a marauding band of ravenous badgers.

Don’t worry. This photo isn’t destined for the hallowed culinary pages of our food section. I took it just for my blog, because, unlike our food editors and test kitchen personnel, I have no standards to uphold.

So did uncouth country badgers really shred these doughnuts?

No. Our staff did.

Food Fight
See, every week our editor, John Floyd, holds a question-and-answer session called “Java with John,” the purpose of which is to let us interact with our boss, while commiserating about the rising cost of doughnuts, especially those imported from Java.

At the beginning of each Java, a full basket of doughnuts is placed in the middle of the conference table. Writers, photographers, copyeditors, and artists immediately eye everyone else, waiting for someone to make the first move.

Who will grab the prized chocolate-filled doughnuts? I bet Libby takes two like last time. And that cute, little Allison? Don’t trust her. I bet she’s mailing them home.

Crime Scene
Roughly 11 seconds after Java, the basket looks just like this. It’s disgusting.

I mean, doughnuts are meant to be consumed in their entirety. Who pulls a doughnut in half, eats one half, and leaves the other half for somebody else?

We’re not hyenas, after all. We don’t tear antelopes into pieces and leave oozing entrails for others to enjoy. Neither should we leave oozing jelly-filled doughnuts.

I doubt the person who did this wore latex gloves at the time. Which means whatever microscopic organisms were camping out on her fingers are now bivouacking on the doughnut’s remains. Yeah, that looks good.

At Southern Living, we like to say we live like our readers.

In that case, let the Grump be the first to say we owe you an apology.

Now, give me that doughnut with the sprinkles!


  1. Steve Bender

    I’ll ask our Test Kitchen people.

    October 29, 2012 at 5:22 am




    October 18, 2012 at 12:52 pm
  3. Coach Bags

    I know what you are thinking, “I have a résumé and it is perfectly fine. Why do I need a résumé writer?” Well, for one, if you are reading this article and in pursuit for a job and have submitted your résumé a few times with NO luck, then, my guess is, you are a PERFECT candidate for a resume writer.A résumé writer has skills beyond those of wordsmiths or editors.

    March 1, 2012 at 2:37 am
  4. Dennie

    A slip of the pen. Maestro Falletta is indeed still music director of the Virginia Symphony.

    November 29, 2010 at 9:02 pm
  5. Grumpy

    The Grump is sorry he underestimated your gluttony. He likes chocolate cake doughnuts too and this explains why he never can find any. Grumpy suspects Libby has been hoarding these doughnuts for her little boy, Jack, to help with his teething. Doughnuts are not proper baby food, Ms. Minor! You should expect a visit from DHR shortly. Grumpy

    September 6, 2008 at 7:47 am
  6. Libby MInor

    Obviously, someone needs a copy editor, because your facts are not straight. For the record, I have never been a fan of chocolate-filled donuts. It’s the chocolate cake donuts I’m partial to. And I didn’t take two. I took seven and a half.

    September 5, 2008 at 11:54 am
  7. Grumpy

    Has anyone noticed that your typical doughnut has the same shape as A DEADLY HURRICANE VIEWED FROM SPACE!!
    So as happy vacationers speed towards the beaches into the face of certain death from Hurricane Gustav, let me just wish one and all a JOYOUS AND RESTFUL LABOR DAY — inside a FEMA shelter.
    See you back here next Tuesday!

    August 29, 2008 at 4:19 pm
  8. Allison

    Hey! I didn’t even eat one this time! Wish you could grow doughnuts. Now that would be gardening! LOL!

    August 29, 2008 at 11:00 am
  9. Krys

    Oh man! After years & years & years of not having any interest in doughuts, your article has succeeded in arousing my interest in them. Sweet & greasy deep-fried goodness! Yum!
    I’ll try to hold firm & remember why I stopped eating doughuts. About 8 or 9 years ago, we bought a pet rat for our kids. The rat turned out to be a 10 for 1 special, so, around Christmastime that year we had a cage full of (very cute) rats. One day, my husband got tempted by a large container of powdered sugar donuts at a large international bulk-purchase-type store. The humans attacked the donuts — we were in donut heaven. Somebody decided to share the joy with the rats & placed a donut in their enclosure. The 10 rats were in ratty donut heaven. The next day, there were still quite a lot of donuts left & we decided to give the rats another treat. They turned their noses up at it & wouldn’t touch it. We recalled, at that point, reading that rats will remember foods that don’t agree with them and will avoid them in the future. We have pretty much avoided doughnuts since that time…. until now…

    August 28, 2008 at 8:09 pm

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