Brian advises Ketchup to take the fifth.
A while back, I sheepishly admitted to the world that Ketchup, my cat, hunts hummingbirds. He stealthily crouches at the foot of my ‘Lady in Red’ salvia, waits for an unsuspecting hummer to show up, and pounces.
He’s successful, too. I’ve found little piles of green feathers at the base of the plants to prove it. He undoubtedly finds ruby-throated hummingbirds to be that rare delicacy that warrants spending endless boring hours of doing nothing waiting for a bird to show up.
On the other hand, cats, like elected officials, regularly spend endless boring hours doing nothing, so maybe it’s just another day for him.
An Unspeakable Act
The Grump felt badly for the hummingbirds, but then that cat did something unforgiveable. In his wanton lust for another tiny winged treat, he leaped up into the air, came down on my salvia, and broke it. One whole branch gone, just like that.
Well, you’d better believe I lectured him severely. Consuming a hummingbird is one thing. Destroying my salvia is quite another. I told Ketchup in no uncertain terms that he was never to repeat this outrageous behavior.
I had no doubt he understood.
Thus, imagine my sense of betrayal when I returned home from work yesterday to find three more broken salvias and two broken angelonias! This brutal crime had his paw prints all over it.
Subsequent lab tests revealed innocent salvia DNA all over his fur.
Where hummingbirds go to die.
Crime and Punishment
I will not stand idly by while this remorseless, uneducable feline destroys my flowers. Therefore, unless one of you reading this can convince me otherwise, frontier garden justice will be served.
Some may argue that Ketchup’s court-appointed attorney, Brian Bender (shown here), provided incompetent counsel. I don’t doubt that for a second. Just look at his dopey expression.
But that doesn’t change the facts. Ketchup is a serial salvia killer who must be stopped, even if that means paying the ultimate price.
Of course, I could sentence him instead to watching every minute of this year’s Presidential debates. But that would be cruel and inhumane.