Unless You Convince Me Otherwise, I’m Going to Shoot My Cat

October 6, 2008 | By | Comments (27)

Brian advises Ketchup to take the fifth.

A while back, I sheepishly admitted to the world that Ketchup, my cat, hunts hummingbirds. He stealthily crouches at the foot of my ‘Lady in Red’ salvia, waits for an unsuspecting hummer to show up, and pounces.

He’s successful, too. I’ve found little piles of green feathers at the base of the plants to prove it. He undoubtedly finds ruby-throated hummingbirds to be that rare delicacy that warrants spending endless boring hours of doing nothing waiting for a bird to show up.

On the other hand, cats, like elected officials, regularly spend endless boring hours doing nothing, so maybe it’s just another day for him.

An Unspeakable Act
The Grump felt badly for the hummingbirds, but then that cat did something unforgiveable. In his wanton lust for another tiny winged treat, he leaped up into the air, came down on my salvia, and broke it. One whole branch gone, just like that.

Well, you’d better believe I lectured him severely. Consuming a hummingbird is one thing. Destroying my salvia is quite another. I told Ketchup in no uncertain terms that he was never to repeat this outrageous behavior.

I had no doubt he understood.

Thus, imagine my sense of betrayal when I returned home from work yesterday to find three more broken salvias and two broken angelonias! This brutal crime had his paw prints all over it.

Subsequent lab tests revealed innocent salvia DNA all over his fur.

Where hummingbirds go to die.

Crime and Punishment
I will not stand idly by while this remorseless, uneducable feline destroys my flowers. Therefore, unless one of you reading this can convince me otherwise, frontier garden justice will be served.

Some may argue that Ketchup’s court-appointed attorney, Brian Bender (shown here), provided incompetent counsel. I don’t doubt that for a second. Just look at his dopey expression.

But that doesn’t change the facts. Ketchup is a serial salvia killer who must be stopped, even if that means paying the ultimate price.

Of course, I could sentence him instead to watching every minute of this year’s Presidential debates. But that would be cruel and inhumane.



  1. Judy weston

    How can I keep neighboring cats from peeing on my flowers and killing them?

    July 29, 2010 at 7:42 pm
  2. Judy weston

    how can I keep neighboring cats from peeing on my flowers and killing them?

    July 29, 2010 at 7:41 pm
  3. Grumpy Gardener aka His Excellency

    Don’t hold back, Brian. Tell me how you really feel.

    July 13, 2009 at 3:50 pm
  4. brian

    This really isn’t funny. Cats are high on an evolutionary scale and high on the food chain as well. Bird however are not and are usually prey with the exception of a few species. I kind of hope a rogue mountain lion jumps your fence and rips you apart you senseless suburban piece of trash.

    July 12, 2009 at 6:44 pm
  5. bearsmom

    Bear is 14, blind, deaf, and very slow. Other than that, he’s in terrific shape, bless his Jack Russell terrier heart!

    June 22, 2009 at 12:55 pm
  6. Grumpy Gardener

    Don’t worry, Ketchup is alive and well. How is your bear?

    June 17, 2009 at 5:03 pm
  7. bearsmom

    I know I’m months too late, but I hope Ketchup is alive and well. Uh, hate to tell you, but once a pet owner, you’re stuck for life. What’s a few plants, anyway?
    Remember: a cat is a cat and that is that.

    June 17, 2009 at 1:01 pm
  8. NuctOutfifs
    April 7, 2009 at 2:38 pm
  9. NuctOutfifs
    April 7, 2009 at 2:37 pm
  10. Grumpy

    My cat’s purpose is to make sure I never get a decent night’s sleep until the end of time. He thinks I am his personal doorman whose sole purpose in life is to let him out at 3 AM. Put a bell on his collar so he can ring for service? This is madness!

    October 28, 2008 at 10:36 pm
  11. Anna

    Cats have a purpose – when was the last time you had a (live) mouse?? Try a bell on his collar or planting some small prickly plant around your salvia. It might help.

    October 28, 2008 at 9:49 pm
  12. Grumpy

    So you have a sad, uneducated hoe? Maybe this will cheer it up. I am not a serial killer. I do, however, stalk toast.

    October 26, 2008 at 10:38 pm
  13. cha cha

    That what cats do ! They are the BIG CAT family close relative. To alter their behavior YOU have to feed them NOT to be HUNGRY ! Instead some idiots with PRIMITIVE behavior, no understanding science WANT to be serial, pet murderers ?
    Hoe sad and uneducated !

    October 26, 2008 at 9:01 pm
  14. Grumpy

    I did not name him. My wife gave that honor to our son, who was three at the time. She said, “What do you want to name our cat?” and he said, “Ketchup.”
    It’s lucky NASA didn’t ask him to name the Space Shuttle.

    October 22, 2008 at 11:37 am
  15. Meghan

    Why did you name the cat Ketchup? Does he taste particularly good with french fries?
    I adore ketchup. Maybe you should consider a new nomenclature.

    October 22, 2008 at 9:24 am
  16. Grumpy

    Ketchup is 11 years old and very set in his ways. If I refused to let him outside to destroy my plants, he would make life so miserable with his incessant yowling that I’d frankly have to shoot him right there.
    He has been granted temporary amnesty, by the way, because Grumpy has failed to be grumpy enough. Yesterday Ketchup came home with a dead chipmunk in his mouth and was going to eat it. Every time he does this, he celebrates by barfing it up on our front steps. So I robbed him of his prize and gave it a proper burial.
    Still think I shouldn’t shoot him?

    October 20, 2008 at 10:02 am
  17. Sue

    I think I know what you need to save both the cat and backyard birds. I saw this item on line and it’s a sort of plastic bib to put on cats that impedes them from being able to pounce on birds.
    Here’s the link: http://www.catgoods.com/index.html It costs $9.95. Lots of information on the product from studies and testemonials. Definitely worth a look.

    October 18, 2008 at 10:13 pm
  18. Cindy

    How would Ketchup feel about becoming an inside only cat? Although I suspect this would also depend on how Grumpy would feel about litter boxes. We have three, all inside only. No bird or salvia problems.

    October 18, 2008 at 4:25 pm
  19. Grumpy

    How about if he barfs on my rug? Can I shoot him then?

    October 18, 2008 at 10:16 am
  20. Allison

    Even if you name him, feed him off of a plate, invite him to sit on your couch, and watch TV, a cat is still a cat. Don’t hate him because he’s feline.

    October 17, 2008 at 2:15 pm
  21. Grumpy

    What is your husband going to do — chop up my cat with his rotor? There would be Ketchup all over the place.

    October 8, 2008 at 1:07 pm
  22. Holly

    Hey, My husband is a helicopter pilot and he hates cats, and spiders! Do you think he could be of assistance? Just trying to help.

    October 8, 2008 at 11:41 am
  23. Grumpy

    While I appreciate your sentiments, I must remind you — no one is grumpier than me!
    Hmm — things not looking too promising for Ketchup. So far, we have one thumb up, two thumbs down. Sure glad I bought that pet life insurance!

    October 8, 2008 at 10:08 am
  24. Even Grumpier

    No sympathy for Ketchup! My neighborhood is plagued by feral cats who are the reason I no longer have window boxes across my front porch; have an antique daybed that needs new, custom cushions and, am awakened by all sorts of ear-splitting NOISE at seasonal times of the year! They skillfully avoid Animal Control traps — not that they are that hungry since an IDIOT neighbor feeds them. I’ve had to stop feeding birds as these monsters lie in wait in the bushes until an opportunity comes their way. Then I get to clean up the mess.

    October 7, 2008 at 8:07 pm
  25. Wade

    It’s OK, as long as it’s from a helicopter.
    On a more serious note, I would argue, however, that cat owners need to be aware of the decimation of the North American bird population by domestic cats. When they’re let out, even for just half an hour, they can have a huge impact as a group:
    The prosecution rests.

    October 7, 2008 at 5:29 pm
  26. Grumpy

    That’s ALL the outrage my threat can muster? One measly plea for leniency? Whatever happended to PETA? Did they decide to seal their heads inside plastic bags, because air feels pain when we breathe it? That’s be fine with me, but it’s not going to save Ketchup. Citizens of Grumpiana, your indifference has decided the issue. Lock & load. Grumpy

    October 7, 2008 at 12:37 pm
  27. Claire

    Don’t kill the kitty!!!!

    October 7, 2008 at 11:23 am

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