Toilet Paper Miracle!

October 13, 2008 | By | Comments (3)

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It’s my favorite time of year. The air grows crisp and cool, screaming brats get banished to school, and we all look forward to the miraculous blooming of the toilet paper tree.

Toilet paper tree (Papyrus toiletus), first described by famous botanist Scott Charmin in his classic work, Two-Ply for the Straight Guy, is truly a wonder of nature. Depending on its location, it may be tall, short, deciduous, or evergreen. Blooms may appear at any time of year, but heaviest blooming usually occurs on Fridays and Saturdays during football season in fall and winter when few other flowers are seen. The blooms open in the dead of night, delighting and surprising everyone the next morning.

And what fantastic blooms they are! Actually modified leaves called bracts, these brilliant white streamers, up to 10 feet long, billow from the branches from the top of the tree to the bottom. No tree – nay, no plant – on the face of the Earth matches the sheer spectacle of the toilet paper tree.

Beauty is fleeting, however. Like a shooting star, 401K wealth, and the career of Pee Wee Herman, this wonder fades in the wink of an eye. The first rain shower melts the blooms into soggy wads that slowly disintegrate upon the ground.

Stripped of its glorious blossoms, the fabled toilet paper tree fades into obscurity, until another fall weekend, when in the middle of the night as the populace slumbers, the miracle happens once more.

Here’s hoping your yard will be the next one blessed.

COMMENTS

  1. Grumpy

    Grumpy is pleased to inform you that an entire universe of specialty toilet papers awaits your discovery. Have you ever tried 3-ply? Just perusing the hundreds available options on the web totally wiped me out!!
    For handy information sure to rub you the right way, go to http://www.ToiletPaperWorld.com.

    October 20, 2008 at 10:18 am
  2. Grumpy

    Some people have no appreciation for beauty.

    October 14, 2008 at 10:24 am
  3. Helen

    “2 ply for the straight guy” now that’s funny!
    My neighbor get these brats growing on his trees from time to time. I’ve never figured out if the’re a good thing or a bad thing. He always takes a hose to his and knocks them off. Helen

    October 14, 2008 at 8:55 am

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