10 Terrible Gifts for the Manly Gardener

December 23, 2008 | By | Comments (3)

Ladies, are you still steamed about the brand new laundry basket your husband the gardener gave you last Christmas? Here are 10 ways to get even.

Let’s face it — when it comes to gifts, men are pretty clueless. We, being problem solvers, think you want something practical you can use. Hence, we give you laundry baskets, vacuum cleaners, brooms, BBQ tools that only we’ll use, paper shredders that only we’ll use, keg chillers that only we’ll use, and new ironing boards that only you’ll use.

Don’t get mad. Get even. If your husband likes to garden (or even if he doesn’t), here are 10 gifts to present him with on Christmas Day to show him the errors of his ways.

1. A dump truck load of cow manure blocking the driveway and a shovel. Giggle as he suffers a stroke while dashing out during every time-out of the big football game to shovel the (crude barnyard term for manure) into the backyard vegetable garden and misses the key game-winning play anyway!

2. 200 tulip bulbs, a bulb planter, and a planting plan. Note — in order for this to be truly effective, the forecast high temperature for the next week should be in the single digits and the ground should be harder than year-old fruitcake.

3. A free flower-arranging lesson. Most men get violently ill at the thought of arranging flowers. Those who don’t will probably love the next gift.

4. A cachepot. What guy wants a cachepot? First of all, we can’t pronounce it. Second, you won’t let us use it for storing loose change, fishing lures, interesting rocks we found while walking the dog, or pop-tops from Beers of the World.

5.  Water picks. Men know these are used for cleaning teeth. But we just can’t figure out how they work. Do you fill them with toothpaste and somehow squeeze it out? Please let us know.

6.  Winter daphne (Daphne odora) in bloom. Oh, this is diabolical! It smells soooo good, it looks soooo pretty, but no matter where you plant it or how you care for it, it’s going to die suddenly before your eyes.

7. A yard man to help around the house when your husband is out of town. The yard man must bear a striking resemblance to Hugh Jackman, work only with his shirt off, and be available to help you with “special projects” as the need arises.

8. A Norfolk Island pine Christmas tree. Really, doesn’t every home need a tree that ultimately grows 90 feet tall, so you have to cut a hole in the roof to let it out? You may think you can donate it to the Botanical Gardens, but they know you’re coming and they’re not opening the door.

9. A chainsaw that absolutely will not crank no matter how many times he yanks the cord or adjusts the choke. When he inevitably chokes himself with the cord, you’ve gotten your revenge.

10.  A dibble. Don’t tell him what it’s for. Just watch what he does with it.


  1. Jean

    Dear Grumpy…
    Merry Christmas!

    December 24, 2008 at 7:22 am
  2. Helen @ Gardening With Confidence

    About half of your list are gifts I’m giving myself…I guess you are giving me permission to scratch out his name and put in mine…Thanks!

    December 23, 2008 at 6:59 pm
  3. Cameron (Defining Your Home Garden)

    1. I think I did this already, only it was mulch in 100 degree summer heat.
    2. Make it worse — put hideous landscape fabric down and then tell him to plant bulbs through it!
    3. I’ll have to remember this one (about the time he gives me fly fishing lessons).
    4. If I told my husband he was getting a cachepot, he’d get really excited over the idea of a CASH pot.
    5. He’s a SonicCare man. Check.
    6. We already have one of those, budding up to bloom right now. My son planted it, but he’s an archaeologist, so he knows how to dig holes.
    7. I’m afraid he’d retaliate and hire Giada de Laurentis to cook while I’m out of town.
    8. Funny, he just offered to go get one of those! 🙂
    9. That’s the most infuriating thing that can happen to a man. You’re really bad!
    10. My husband would think it was a hole punch — he was looking for one the other day. That’s a really clever idea.
    Merry Christmas,

    December 23, 2008 at 3:09 pm

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