The vast Bering Sea. Over a million square miles of the most violent and unpredictable waters on Earth. And home to the deadliest kvetch — the Grumpy Gardener.

After spending every waking minute pondering, agonizing over, and ultimately providing correct and brilliant answers to your questions, the Grump has grown even grumpier. He needs a break. So for the next two weeks,, he will be taking a much-deserved vacation with his family on an Alaskan cruise. But while Judy and Brian waste their time at the midnight buffet, heated pools, Broadway shows, and other such tripe, you will be heartened to know that the Grump will be engaged in a variety of very manly pursuits.

Specifically, I have hired one of the captains of my favorite TV show, “The Deadliest Catch,” to take me aboard as a greenhorn deckhand. We’ll brave 40-degree waters, towering waves, crippling ice, and me puking my guts out as we pursue Alaska’s most elusive beast — Sarah Palin’s thought process.

 Ahh! Danosaurs!!

Internet connections up there are pretty shaky, so be patient if I don’t answer your gardening questions until I return. If I can, I’ll to try to post updates about my adventures.

Oh yes, one last thing. If you hear about a man mysteriously disappearing overboard during a Holland America Alaskan cruise and his wife collecting on a million-dollar insurance policy, please alert the authorities.

P.S. In case you don’t know what “kvetch” means, click here and you’ll understand.