The Deadliest Kvetch — Gone to Alaska

July 24, 2009 | By | Comments (9)

The vast Bering Sea. Over a million square miles of the most violent and unpredictable waters on Earth. And home to the deadliest kvetch — the Grumpy Gardener.


After spending every waking minute pondering, agonizing over, and ultimately providing correct and brilliant answers to your questions, the Grump has grown even grumpier. He needs a break. So for the next two weeks,, he will be taking a much-deserved vacation with his family on an Alaskan cruise. But while Judy and Brian waste their time at the midnight buffet, heated pools, Broadway shows, and other such tripe, you will be heartened to know that the Grump will be engaged in a variety of very manly pursuits.

Specifically, I have hired one of the captains of my favorite TV show, “The Deadliest Catch,” to take me aboard as a greenhorn deckhand. We’ll brave 40-degree waters, towering waves, crippling ice, and me puking my guts out as we pursue Alaska’s most elusive beast — Sarah Palin’s thought process.

 Ahh! Danosaurs!!

Internet connections up there are pretty shaky, so be patient if I don’t answer your gardening questions until I return. If I can, I’ll to try to post updates about my adventures.

Oh yes, one last thing. If you hear about a man mysteriously disappearing overboard during a Holland America Alaskan cruise and his wife collecting on a million-dollar insurance policy, please alert the authorities.

P.S. In case you don’t know what “kvetch” means, click here and you’ll understand.


  1. Jean

    hrrrmmpph…watch out for killer whales. I have been told they love gardeners..especially the grumpy ones!

    July 26, 2009 at 1:37 pm
  2. Kelsey

    I visited for gardening inspiration and/or advice – not political comments.

    July 28, 2009 at 8:52 am
  3. Aunty Matter

    I visited for the wit of Steve Bender.

    July 28, 2009 at 12:50 pm
  4. Lianne

    I visited to find out what “kvetch” means.

    July 28, 2009 at 4:55 pm
  5. Aunty Matter

    I visited because the man told me not to.
    We’re all bozos on this bus.

    July 29, 2009 at 12:22 pm
  6. Seasons

    For humor to work there must be at least a tiny bit of truth in the skit. Funny, Not.

    July 30, 2009 at 10:25 am
  7. Lois

    Is there no escape from personal, political blabber anymore? I’m so disappointed in you Steve.

    August 8, 2009 at 2:55 pm
  8. Grumpy Gardener

    What do ya know, the Grump made people mad! Just by running a cartoon. Isn’t anybody interested in the danger posed by danosaurs?

    August 9, 2009 at 8:08 pm
  9. Cindy

    Disappointing. If you need a political outlet start a political blog. Too bad this is linked to Southern Living.

    September 3, 2009 at 12:02 pm