Everywhere I look, careless neighbors are bringing down the neighborhood. They don’t paint, they don’t edge, they don’t take in their trash cans, but worst of all, they don’t cut their grass. I loathe such slobs, so imagine my consternation when I returned from a lovely vacation to find that the weediest, most overgrown lawn on the street stood right in front of my house.
Naturally, I can’t be faulted for this. Here is who I blame.
1. The Irresponsible Weather. Every year, I go on vacation in July knowing that it won’t rain during the entire month and I don’t have anybody I can trust to water properly. Thus, I don’t cut the grass right before I leave, because then it would be brown as a yard in Phoenix when I return. (Personal aside — Why do people live in Phoenix? It’s huge, flat, alternates between brown and gray, is hotter than Hades most of the time, and has no water. Someone please enlighten me.) Only this year, it decided to rain a lot. And it’s rained every day since I got back, so I can’t mow. If the grass gets any taller, elephants will hide in there. I’m so ashamed.
2. The Worthless Crabgrass Preventer. I paid $25 and put down this stuff exactly when the label said I should and in the manner specified. What did I get for my efforts? Look at the photo! A prize crop of the the healthiest, happiest, most beautiful crabgrass I’ve ever had. Next year, I’m planting only crabgrass. That should ensure none comes up.
3. Shameless Neighbors. When they saw the desperate situation my lawn was in, someone should have come over and cut it without being asked. It’s a matter of neighborhood pride. (Heck, I’d do it for them, but I’m always out of town.)
Subduing the Jungle
I estimate that my Bermuda grass is now about 4 inches tall and the crabgrass is almost twice that. I’ve considered bringing in a bush-hog, but that might slaughter all of the innocent quail and prairie chickens who’ve recently taken up residence. So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait until the grass is dry (sometime in the 23rd century), put my mower on its highest setting (around 3 inches) and mow it down to 3 inches. Then I’ll wait a few days, lower the height to 2-1/2 inches, and mow it again. A week later, I’ll cut it down to 2 inches. That way, the grass will remain green even in the summer heat and my sidewalk and cat will miraculously reappear.
I closing, I would just like to say to the weather, the next time I expect a drought, I’d better get one. You’re making me look like a renter.