You Slobs Should Cut Your Grass

August 12, 2009 | By | Comments (4)

Everywhere I look, careless neighbors are bringing down the neighborhood. They don’t paint, they don’t edge, they don’t take in their trash cans, but worst of all, they don’t cut their grass. I loathe such slobs, so imagine my consternation when I returned from a lovely vacation to find that the weediest, most overgrown lawn on the street stood right in front of my house.


Naturally, I can’t be faulted for this. Here is who I blame.

1. The Irresponsible Weather. Every year, I go on vacation in July knowing that it won’t rain during the entire month and I don’t have anybody I can trust to water properly. Thus, I don’t cut the grass right before I leave, because then it would be brown as a yard in Phoenix when I return. (Personal aside — Why do people live in Phoenix? It’s huge, flat, alternates between brown and gray, is hotter than Hades most of the time, and has no water. Someone please enlighten me.) Only this year, it decided to rain a lot. And it’s rained every day since I got back, so I can’t mow. If the grass gets any taller, elephants will hide in there. I’m so ashamed.

2. The Worthless Crabgrass Preventer. I paid $25 and put down this stuff exactly when the label said I should and in the manner specified. What did I get for my efforts? Look at the photo! A prize crop of the the healthiest, happiest, most beautiful crabgrass I’ve ever had. Next year, I’m planting only crabgrass. That should ensure none comes up.

3. Shameless Neighbors. When they saw the desperate situation my lawn was in, someone should have come over and cut it without being asked. It’s a matter of neighborhood pride. (Heck, I’d do it for them, but I’m always out of town.)

Subduing the Jungle

I estimate that my Bermuda grass is now about 4 inches tall and the crabgrass is almost twice that. I’ve considered bringing in a bush-hog, but that might slaughter all of the innocent quail and prairie chickens who’ve recently taken up residence. So this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to wait until the grass is dry (sometime in the 23rd century), put my mower on its highest setting (around 3 inches) and mow it down to 3 inches. Then I’ll wait a few days, lower the height to 2-1/2 inches, and mow it again. A week later, I’ll cut it down to 2 inches. That way, the grass will remain green even in the summer heat and my sidewalk and cat will miraculously reappear.

I closing, I would just like to say to the weather, the next time I expect a drought, I’d better get one. You’re making me look like a renter.


  1. Dave

    Crabgrass will show up no matter what you do. I just overseed and mow tall, it’s still there but I’ve gradually diminished a yard of crabgrass over the last two years. Of course it might be another 10 before I have the grass handled but I worry more about the gardens than the grass. Neighbors don’t watch out for neighbors like the used to.

    August 14, 2009 at 7:57 am
  2. Jean

    Heck if I didnt have crabgrass I wouldnt have grass at all!

    August 13, 2009 at 10:52 am
  3. Grumpy Gardener aka His Excellency

    Someone of my stature does not use a lawn service. It’s a matter of pride. Also, I’m really cheap.

    August 13, 2009 at 7:38 am
  4. Jeff

    I am surprised that someone of your Grumpy stature does not have a secret recipe for ridding your yard of crabgrass. Sounds like you just went down to the local big box and purchased some Scotts or something. I had a terrible time controling crabgrass until I called a lawn service.

    August 12, 2009 at 10:28 pm

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