Global Cooling Threatens Catastrophe!

December 21, 2009 | By | Comments (8)



For years, the Grump has been a lone voice crying in the wilderness, selflessly and tirelessly trying to raise world awareness of our impending doom. But no one will hear — the world is growing colder.

The amazing and shocking events of this past week along the East Coast provide irrefutable proof. Baltimore, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia received record amounts of snow — in some places, over 2 feet. Transportation in the affected areas halted and zombies attacked and ate stranded motorists as the Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore looked on. Jim says we should brace for another wave of zombie attacks by the end of this week.

What could be responsible for the unprecedented zombie activity? Obviously, climate change.

Well, my family has decided not to take our deaths lying down. The only way to avoid global cooling is to increase our carbon footprint as much as we can. So yesterday evening my son, Brian, took matter into his own hands.

Carbon 002
What’s for dinner? Yummmm…….delicious, tender lamb chops enveloped in a cloud of pecan-chip smoke large enough to send global CO2 levels skyrocketing and hopefully warm this crazy world up.

I know world leaders are with me. This is why they all flew to Copenhagen last week to discuss global cooling, each one of them creating a vast carbon footprint with airplane exhaust. The only question remaining is what you, as a responsible Grumpian, are willing to do to further our cause. The future of civilization hangs in the balance.



    Yikes, that looks pretty bad alright. Reminds me of when I used to live in Utah, and I hated that lol. Its only fun a few times a year, not a few months a year.

    July 6, 2012 at 3:12 am
  2. Grumpy Gardener (His Benevolence)

    That’s great, Smith, because I designed it for 5-year-olds like you. Now, time for your nap! That’s a good boy.

    July 10, 2010 at 3:12 pm
  3. Smith

    This web page looks like a 5 year old designed it.

    July 9, 2010 at 2:02 pm
  4. Grumpy Gardener aka His Excellency

    Ahem. I am fully aware that my musings, no matter how brilliant and insightful, will not convince anyone to change their position on this issue. I would just mention, however, that the Medieval Warm Period came on very quickly and lasted several hundred years, only to be suddenly ended by the Little Ice Age, which lasted from about 1300 to 1850. Neither event was in any way caused by evil people or zombies. As for flowers blooming earlier than you think they should, this happens every year. As for the presence of lionfish, this probably has a lot to do with people releasing their pets from aquariums.

    January 3, 2010 at 9:13 pm
  5. Henry H.

    Excuse me, our azaleas are blooming in Feb. (SE GA)

    December 29, 2009 at 3:50 pm
  6. Henry H.

    I have to agree. I believe there is strong physical proof that the cold areas are getting colder and the warm climates are getting higher. While I can’t speak for the cold areas that I avoid like the plague, I can speak for us warm-bodies. Just a couple of enviornmental footnotes…..
    There is something to be said when the azaleas are now blooming in Feburary. Don’t believe me??? Watch Masters footage from 15 years ago then watch last years tournament, both held on the same date.
    Here is the good stuff….
    I fish in my off time and we have started to see an increase in tropical and sub-tropical fishes. Snook and Lionfish now populate are near-shore reefs and sounds. Only leaving them a few hundred miles off course.
    I know people say that all this weather is cyclical but why have we not seen this behavior from azaleas before and we certainly have not seen these fish before.
    One man, One small voice….

    December 29, 2009 at 3:48 pm
  7. shakina


    December 29, 2009 at 5:33 am
  8. Chas

    (Re: Global Warming) “I would hope that it would get very hot now, and decrease the surplus population.” Ebenezer Scrooge – 1843
    (Re: Global Warming) “Especially astonishing are the very short times needed for major warmings. A temperature increase of 5°C can occur in a few decades.” – Greenland Ice Core Project-An ESF Research Programme-Final Report

    December 27, 2009 at 11:07 pm

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