For years, the Grump has been a lone voice crying in the wilderness, selflessly and tirelessly trying to raise world awareness of our impending doom. But no one will hear — the world is growing colder.
The amazing and shocking events of this past week along the East Coast provide irrefutable proof. Baltimore, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia received record amounts of snow — in some places, over 2 feet. Transportation in the affected areas halted and zombies attacked and ate stranded motorists as the Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore looked on. Jim says we should brace for another wave of zombie attacks by the end of this week.
What could be responsible for the unprecedented zombie activity? Obviously, climate change.
Well, my family has decided not to take our deaths lying down. The only way to avoid global cooling is to increase our carbon footprint as much as we can. So yesterday evening my son, Brian, took matter into his own hands.
I know world leaders are with me. This is why they all flew to Copenhagen last week to discuss global cooling, each one of them creating a vast carbon footprint with airplane exhaust. The only question remaining is what you, as a responsible Grumpian, are willing to do to further our cause. The future of civilization hangs in the balance.