If you think residents of Baltimore, Washington, DC, and Philadelphia have it bad, you haven’t seen the weather in the underworld lately. “It’s cold as hell down here,” complained the Dark Lord in a recent interview. “I don’t like it one bit.”
The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore says it’s all due to climate change.”We’ve been predicting this for some time,” he told the Grump. “As the Earth grows warmer, Hell grows colder. The consequences are going to be catastrophic. At the present rate of cooling, in just 10 years, snowballs in Hell could have a very good chance.”
The Evil One is not pleased at all. “We’re just not prepared for this kind of weather,” he said, downing a cup of fiery brimstone. “It’s supposed to feel like Dallas in August, not San Francisco in June. We demons don’t have Gor-Tex, long johns, mittens, snuggies, galoshes, or even wool caps. The only guy who’s comfortable is Josef Stalin. He says we’re all babies.”
Cold weather has taken a terrible toll on Hell’s garden as well. “Just look at my firebush,” Lucifer lamented. “It’s deader than sin. Same for my flame azaleas, red-hot poker, smoke tree, fireweed, firethorn, firecracker vine, flame vine, hellebores, and devil’s backbone. To be fair, it’s also taken a toll on our bird-of-paradise, angel’s trumpet, and heavenly bamboo, but frankly, I never liked them anyway. The hell with ‘em.”
Cooler than normal temperatures are expected to persist in Hell for the foreseeable future. “I know that must seem like an eternity to you,” added Cantore.
“EVERYTHING SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY TO ME!!” bellowed Beelzebub. “Now go and find me a heating blanket, will you? I can’t feel my hooves.”