Latest Weather Report from Hell — It’s Cold

February 12, 2010 | By | Comments (10)

Before the Blizzard

If you think residents of Baltimore, Washington, DC, and Philadelphia have it bad, you haven’t seen the weather in the underworld lately. “It’s cold as hell down here,” complained the Dark Lord in a recent interview. “I don’t like it one bit.”

The Weather Channel’s Jim Cantore says it’s all due to climate change.”We’ve been predicting this for some time,” he told the Grump. “As the Earth grows warmer, Hell grows colder. The consequences are going to be catastrophic. At the present rate of cooling, in just 10 years, snowballs in Hell could have a very good chance.”

SatanThe Evil One is not pleased at all. “We’re just not prepared for this kind of weather,” he said, downing a cup of fiery brimstone. “It’s supposed to feel like Dallas in August, not San Francisco in June. We demons don’t have Gor-Tex, long johns, mittens, snuggies, galoshes, or even wool caps. The only guy who’s comfortable is Josef Stalin. He says we’re all babies.”

Cold weather has taken a terrible toll on Hell’s garden as well. “Just look at my firebush,” Lucifer lamented. “It’s deader than sin. Same for my flame azaleas, red-hot poker, smoke tree, fireweed, firethorn, firecracker vine, flame vine, hellebores, and devil’s backbone. To be fair, it’s also taken a toll on our bird-of-paradise, angel’s trumpet, and heavenly bamboo, but frankly, I never liked them anyway. The hell with ‘em.”

Cooler than normal temperatures are expected to persist in Hell for the foreseeable future. “I know that must seem like an eternity to you,” added Cantore.

“EVERYTHING SEEMS LIKE AN ETERNITY TO ME!!”  bellowed Beelzebub. “Now go and find me a heating blanket, will you? I can’t feel my hooves.”

COMMENTS

  1. Jess

    Ha ha, very funny. The Devil sounds a little like me as of late. I live in the South for a reason, and its NOT the 95 degree July days.

    February 15, 2010 at 2:05 pm
  2. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    Yeah, Congress has been out for a week due to the snow. Anyone notice a difference?

    February 15, 2010 at 10:55 am
  3. Jean

    I think God is trying to cover up DC and start over.

    February 15, 2010 at 10:49 am
  4. Jim Long

    Maybe we should box up some bhut jalokias and a few habaneros, and make a care package for the old geezer. That’s warm him for awhile at least.

    February 14, 2010 at 1:43 pm
  5. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    The Falcons in the Super Bowl? Yeah, that’ll happen the same year the Beatles get back together.

    February 14, 2010 at 10:31 am
  6. pc

    LOL! Didn’t hell freeze over when The Eagles got back together a few years ago?

    February 13, 2010 at 4:47 pm
  7. Henry H.

    Hate to point this out but Hell froze over some years back when my Falcons went to the Super Bowl. Sorry to point that out but hey, I’m still livin with disapointment!!!!! That’s ok 2011 will be the year of Matty “shoulda had a heisman” Ryan…..Go Birds!!!!

    February 13, 2010 at 2:42 pm
  8. Jeff

    Too funny!

    February 12, 2010 at 8:52 pm
  9. Cameron (Defining Your Home)

    So, Hell did freeze over.
    Cameron

    February 12, 2010 at 5:40 pm
  10. Liza

    Hahaha – you’re funny. Thanks for making me smile!

    February 12, 2010 at 4:21 pm

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