Vote for Your Favorite Crepe Murder!

March 18, 2010 | By | Comments (31)

Grumpians, it's that time of year when bored, deranged, and cretinous husbands turn their attention to pruning things badly. All over my neighborhood (and I bet yours too), guys without a clue are cutting back crepe myrtles in a desperate attempt to prove they're every bit as bohemian as their fellow man.

I've given up trying to change this. No matter how many times I rail against this oafish practice, the oafs don't care. They just need something to cut and since cutting people and pets is against the law, most turn to crepe myrtles.

Therefore, Grumpy is announcing his First Annual Crepe Murder Contest and asks you to participate. The rules are simple. Just review the following egregious examples of crepe murder and then vote for the one you think best demonstrates the ignorance and tastelessness of the person who did it.The lucky winner will receive two weeks at Chuckie Cheese with 200 screaming kids!  

Crepe Murder 003

Contestant #1 — Medusa Myrtle. Don't look her in the eye or you'll turn to stone!

Crepe Murder 004 

Contestant #2 — Minnie Myrtle. Proving once again that bad things come in small packages.

Crepe Murder 008

Contestant #3 — Microwave Myrtle. Check out the Shop, Chop, & Drop Channel!

Crepe Murder 005

Contestant #4 — Multiple Myrtle. No one can chop just one!

Crepe Murder 011

Contestant #5 —  Manic Myrtle. Suddenly, my murderous impulses left me.

America, now you've seen them, it's time to vote! Click on the "make a comment" link to cast your vote or text 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 to 1-888-IGNORAMUS. Standard texting rates apply. And if you've seen an even better example of crepe murder, send Grumpy a photo and he'll post it.





  1. Enter Grumpy’s 3rd Annual Crepe Murder Contest! – The Daily South | Your Hub for Southern Culture

    […] Is Crepe Murder? Crepe murder is what garden blogger Billy Goodnick would term a “crime against horticulture.” It […]

    January 3, 2013 at 7:01 am
  2. Julie Dobbins

    I’m wondering why the chopper on #3 left the hydrangea bush just beside it. Or did the poor bush die out of fear for being next?

    March 28, 2010 at 12:55 am
  3. Dera Weaver

    #5, for sure–not only is it sad, but it goes all the way up to stupid-looking.

    March 24, 2010 at 1:19 pm
  4. julianchandler

    #5 is not only ugly, it’s schizophrenic.

    March 24, 2010 at 9:44 am
  5. John

    I’m going with 5 , but come to my hood and I can show all here worse.

    March 22, 2010 at 6:41 pm
  6. Carla

    # 5 looks scary – just like in my neighborhood. Are you sure you didn’t take these pictures in Allen TX?

    March 22, 2010 at 2:46 pm
  7. Babs

    #2 – I saw a row of crepe myrtles “murdered” just like this. It is taking years for them to look anything like a crepe myrtle again. Thanks for entertaining and educating us at the AMGA annual meeting this week.

    March 21, 2010 at 2:14 am
  8. arebee

    I think they all warrant the maximum penalty.

    March 20, 2010 at 9:11 pm
  9. Jo Ann

    Must vote for #4, those poor trees, just think how beautiful they could be!

    March 20, 2010 at 6:43 pm
  10. Cindy

    Definitely #4 gets my vote. As the proud owner of a 1 yr old crepe myrtle, I have seen the error of other owners ways. I promise not to ever have my crepe myrtle pictured in this type of lineup.

    March 20, 2010 at 5:11 pm
  11. Linda

    Number 4… the more the worse and I see lines of them everyday! Some day I am going to have my head chopped off by a so called gardener who argues with me, a mature southerner! Paaleeease!!!

    March 20, 2010 at 3:37 pm
  12. Tammy

    Must be #5. Who would do this??

    March 20, 2010 at 10:08 am
  13. isaac

    Gotta be #5 for the sheer idiocy. I can understand being ignorant and doing the pruning. But leaving a couple implies this person actually had a thought, not a good one but still a thought. And that thought said, “I know what’ll look beautiful. A taller version of the tree with a lower tier!”

    March 20, 2010 at 9:51 am
  14. Rhonda Derks


    March 20, 2010 at 8:11 am
  15. Jeff

    Has to be #5.

    March 19, 2010 at 10:20 pm
  16. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    Which one is yours, Henry? Remember, you can’t vote for yourself!

    March 19, 2010 at 5:34 pm
  17. Henry H.

    Steve you could of at least looked me up if you knew you were goin to be in my neighborhood…..I was thinking of starting a mailer for the store just because of this reason. Would they hide in shame or come forth for the mild beating and tutorial?!?!?!

    March 19, 2010 at 5:06 pm
  18. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)
    March 19, 2010 at 4:43 pm
  19. meghan

    i vote for #2…poor little thing. i just feel like saying “bless her heart.”

    March 19, 2010 at 3:46 pm
  20. Dave

    Delete the I Hope from my comment! Although I hope people get a clue on how to do it right!

    March 19, 2010 at 9:46 am
  21. Dave

    I have to say number 4 is the worst because of the multiple murders – serial crape murder? But I found number 5 to be hilarious. I hope it’s almost like attempted murder in this case and the patient is on life support.

    March 19, 2010 at 9:45 am
  22. ADL

    OK, what’s the right way and when?

    March 18, 2010 at 10:31 pm
  23. ADL

    OK, what’s the right way?

    March 18, 2010 at 10:30 pm
  24. Ric


    March 18, 2010 at 8:45 pm
  25. Katy

    Oh my….#5….did he decide to take a nap in the middle of the murder?

    March 18, 2010 at 7:55 pm
  26. Beth@UnskinnyBoppy

    LOL @ No. 5! That poor thing deserves to be put out of it’s misery!
    WOW! This whole post made me laugh. Hilarious.

    March 18, 2010 at 4:57 pm
  27. Jean

    All of the above!

    March 18, 2010 at 4:27 pm
  28. bearsmom

    Ouch! They all look so painful, but I’ll go with #5. Poor crepes!

    March 18, 2010 at 4:20 pm
  29. Jill in Atlanta

    I’ll vote for #4 which looks sadly like it was taken in my neighborhood. They’re all so miserable looking. Bad haircuts for all.

    March 18, 2010 at 3:07 pm
  30. Cameron (Defining Your Home)

    They’re all horrible! How depressing. Number 4, if I must vote.

    March 18, 2010 at 2:53 pm
  31. Liza

    Oh my! My instinct was to go with #4 for the multiple murder, but #5 just seems so cruel!

    March 18, 2010 at 12:13 pm

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