Ladies, are you at a loss as to what to give Your Special Guy for Father’s Day? Not to worry. The Grumpy Gardener knows what every manly, manful, masculine guy wants most for his garden that doesn’t involve a woman. Remember, we’re tough, we’re thoughtless, and we love burning, spearing, and slicing stuff. So with that in mind, here’s Grumpy’s list of 7 Great Gifts for Dad’s Garden.
Gift #1 — A Guard Bull. Why be a total wuss who settles for a dinky Rottweiler when you can scare the living **** out of any intruder with a half-ton, genuine Watusi bull with horns you could hang your laundry on! Yes, you no longer need to lock your doors at night, knowing that any intruder who jumps the fence into your yard will leave with at least one more orifice than when he entered. Contact www.doubleranch.org for more info.
Now, guard bulls don’t just protect your garden. They also supply it with plentiful amounts of enriched, natural fertilizer. That means Dad is going to want one of these.
Gift #2 — His Very Own Manure Spreader. This is the world’s most popular manure spreader — at least, that’s what its manufacturer says. The Millcreek Equine Manure Spreader 27+ hooks up to your tractor or ATV and spreads the bull even faster than Dad! (Yeah, I know, equine means horses, but I bet it would work for Watusi cattle too!) Ask the fine fine folks at www.millcreekspreaders.com.
Okay, it’s time to burn something. That’s why I know Dad’s testosterone will be flowing faster than the water over Niagara Falls when he opens up that big box on Father’s Day and finds this inside.
Gift #3 — The Weed Dragon Propane Torch. Why pull weeds or stomp on bugs when you can incinerate them by the hundreds? The Weed Dragon generates up to 2,000 degrees of weed- and slug-melting heat. You can connect it to a dolly that holds a refillable BBQ propane tank or use it with a backpack kit. Burn, baby, burn! The Weed Dragon takes no prisoners. Check out www.flameengineering.com.
Of course, propane torches aren’t the only way to burn things. You can have lots of fun using electricity, too, especially at night. Put a loving glow on Dad’s face when he unwraps one of these.
Gift #4 — A Huge, Mad-Crazy Bug Zapper, like the Flowtron BK-15D Insect Killer. Now, most manly guys who put this up think it kills mosquitoes. But you know and I know it doesn’t. Mosquitoes are attracted by scent, not sight. But who cares? Because golly, it’s just a whole lot of fun when some big moth flies into it and combusts like a marshmallow over the campfire! Order from www.amazon.com.
Don’t you just hate the wimp next door who’s always bragging about having the nicest lawn in the neighborhood? Well, he won’t be mouthing off any more once Dad straps these babies on.
Gift #5 — Aerator Spike Shoes. At last, a pair of spiked heels that doesn’t belong to Mom! Each lightweight sandal with Velcro straps comes armed with a dozen, vicious lawn-piercing spikes that aerate your lawn and skewer those pesky earthworms. They create thousands of holes to improve penetration of water and air, making grass healthier. Plus, they’re a perfect substitute for golf shoes if Dad’s too cheap to buy some. Order from www.northerntools.com.
No doubt, Swamp Loggers is your Dad’s favorite TV show. How could it not be? Big, burly, redneck guys with tobacco stained teeth and European hygiene pulling huge, slimy logs out of foul, malarial waters? Turns you on, doesn’t it, ladies? Turn Dad on with this little number.
Gift #6 — The Pocket Chain Saw. You heard right! Dad doesn’t have to wear a ski mask while wielding this weapon, because it’s compact, portable, and fits in his shirt pocket. Made of high-strength, heat-treated steel, its slices through a 3-inch diameter log in less than 10 seconds. Use it for cutting firewood, clearing shooting lanes, or just scaring the dickens out of kids on Halloween. Order from www.pocketchainsaw.com.
As fun as they may be, all of the gifts above mean more work for Dad. And on this Father’s Day, he really needs to chill. So for once, think of him. What does he need the most right now?
Gift #7 — A Side Table for His Hammock. What’s the point of relaxing in total comfort if Dad has to walk all the way to the kitchen for a beer or G&T? This side table keeps all of Dad’s essentials within easy reach. Don’t forget refills! Dad’s been working hard! Order from www.brookstone.com.