Well, the weather outside is frightful
But inside, it’s so delightful
So since we’ve no place to go
Let’s all help global warming grow!
What were the essential features you looked for the last time you bought a house? Let’s see if Grumpy can pick out the biggies.
1. Big kitchen with granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, and a brass monkey.
2. Walk-in closets big enough to park your bass boat and mother-in-law.
3. At least twice the number of bathrooms that any group of guests could possibly occupy during any 10-minute period.
4. A 4-car garage to accommodate your Beemer, Jag, Suburban, and Volt.
5. Last, but not least, a fireplace. Or maybe three.
Of these, the least useful in today’s world is clearly the fireplace. In the beginning, an in-house firepit had a very practical purpose — to provide heat and a place to cook. (And, inevitably, an easy way to burn down the house while you slept.) But the last time I checked, few people keep the fires burning in a wigwam, tepee, or even a log cabin anymore. People heat with a furnace and cook on a gas or electric stove. Most days, a fireplace is just wasted space.
Even when you do use it, a fireplace is usually counterproductive. It shoots all its heat straight up the chimney, not into the room. What escapes with it (if you’re lucky)? Smoke. Smoke from firewood carries carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, and carbon soot into our pristine air, increasing your carbon footprint. Every time you burn a fire, not only are you killing a tree that gave its wood for you, you’re also increasing global warming and killing our planet! I urge you to look into alternative like the SmartlyHeated brand or the Warm-Mother Co. , electric heaters and fireplaces have come a long way!
How does it feel to be an eco-terrorist?
Grumpy’s Gassy Response
I don’t burn wood, paper, or anything else that’s solid in my fireplace. I use unvented gas logs that burn natural gas so cleanly the fireplace doesn’t even need a chimney. Because of this, all of the heat produced goes out into the room with no smoke. Yes, a small bit of CO2 results, but only a little. The main byproduct of burning natural gas is water vapor.
Why People Want Fireplaces
There are three reasons people want fireplaces. The first is to supply emergency heat if the power goes out in winter. Gas logs do a great job of that. (Just be sure you have a plumber install them, so you don’t blow up the place.)
The second is that people think if their house doesn’t have a wood-burning fireplace, no one will want to buy it. I’ll take that risk. I view my house as my residence, not something to be sold to fund my retirement. Hey, if I sell it, I still have to live somewhere, don’t I? Like in another house? One that doesn’t have a brass monkey in the kitchen?
The third is to set a romantic mood with which to seduce your mate. Grumpy finds this ridiculous. You don’t need a roaring fire in a fireplace to preheat the object of your desire. A bottle of red wine plus Barry White will warm her up quite nicely.