Crepe Murder! The Best of the Worst 2011!
You may have thought the suspense building up to the Oscars was overwhelming, but that was nothing — NOTHING, I TELL YOU — compared to the incredible angst and excitement generated by Grumpy’s Crepe Murder Contest. Your response has been both humbling and mind-blowing. And now the time has come to announce the three grand prize winners of uber-quality Corona Bypass Loppers like the ones I’m wielding now.
But first, for those of you unfamiliar with Southern horti-culture, let Grumpy explain what “crepe murder” is. Crepe murder is the odious and idiotic practice of cutting back your beautiful crepe myrtles to ugly stumps each winter.
Why do people do this? Because they see their neighbors do it. Doing what your neighbors do is almost always a terrible idea. So the next time you see the guy next door gardening in a tutu, tiara, and big, fuzzy slippers, restrain yourself from doing the same — unless he’s a character on “The Modern Family.”
OK, here we go! Grumpy’s first Grand Prize Winner for Crepe Murder goes to David Lorberbaum, a 2006 graduate of the University of Georgia’s Landscape Architecture program (oh, I’m sorry, Bulldog fans — School of Environmental Design…..sniff sniff).
Ah, David, it’s comforting to know that UGA is still teaching the sound and time-honored horticultural techniques that have been the linchpin of Georgia landscape design lo these many years. David says a chain saw was involved and these are really his neighbor’s crepe myrtles. Sure they are.
Our second Grand Prize Winner for Crepe Murder is presented to Martha Bishop of Huntsville, Alabama. Grumpy admires Martha’s bravery, artistry, and downright sneakiness by introducing the human element into this photo without being observed and subsequently attacked.
Don’t you just love the implied feeling of accomplishment captured in the photo above? You can hear the homeowner’s proud thoughts: “My work here is done.”
And now, it is time to announce Grumpy third and final Grand Prize Winner for Crepe Murder. Drum roll, please…………………..It’s Trish Ivins of Evans, Georgia! (David, UGA has obviously taught its citizens well.)
This is Grumpy’s favorite photo, because in one instant, Trish managed to capture the message that the Grump and his legions of followers are spreading from sea to shining sea: “Stop Crepe Murder.” Well done, Trish. Please forward this photo to the University of Georgia’s School of Environmental Design.
Grumpy Thanks All of You
Many, many people submitted excellent examples of crepe myrtle at its worst. Grumpy wishes he could give all of you a prize, but alas, he has only three loppers to distribute. He will be contacting the winners shortly and getting their prizes to them. To everyone who participated — YOU ARE AWESOME! Let us commit right here and now to continue embarrassing our neighbors as long as it takes to finally end the crime of crepe murder.
Fine choices there Grumpy. So sad though.
Trish -
Can’t you just convince the County to put them out of their misery since they are indoubtedly blocking the stop sign???????? (the plants and the people,hehe!!!!)
Hi Steve, I hate crape myrtle murder too. I have a blog about gardening and renovating my husband’s old home place. I placed a link to Southern Living on my blog today because I was talking about Pamela Crawford’s flower baskets. I mentioned that I saw the article in SL last year. If you’d like to visit, its http://cottageatthecrossroads.com
I just received the lopers that I won on the Crepe Murder contest. Thank you so much for a great prize.
You’re welcome, Martha. Just remember — you cannot use them on a crepe myrtle!
Crepe myrtles are so pretty when left to grow to their full size. Just another reason that site-appropriate planting is so important. That, and making sure you don’t hire a grass cutter who is masquerading as a landscape designer to do your landscaping.
Help! I have just bought an old farmhouse built around the 1870′s. I have a crepe myrtle jungle mixed with privet hedge. Trunks on the myrtles are up to 40″ around & they are about 50′ tall. Suggestions?
Cut down the privet hedge. leave the crepe myrtles alone.
If you think that this is bad you should see our collection of ‘plant murders’ in Washington State. We have an organization here called Plant Amensty. Plant Amnesty is devoted to help prevent plant pruning disasters and mangling. Go and see them over here>>>>>http://www.plantamnesty.org/home/index.aspx
You enlightened folks in the Pacific NW always lead the pack.
Hey Grumpy, I am feeling pretty grumpy myself. Sent you and email about my most beautiful Muskogees. They have been magnificent the past two years. We planted 5,two that are now 15 ft. and 3 that are around 6 ft.three years ago. This year only one big one and two small ones have begun to leaf out. They are trained as trees and get lots of sun and I mulch and fertilize. We live in Lou. Ky. and crepes seem to do well here even though the winters can get cold. This winter the branches all bunched together, almost in a cone shape. I couldn’t separate them this spring. Now I am so worried that they are not going to come back.
Should I give up or is there something I can do?
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Pam
p.s. Those crepe murderers ought to have their gardening privileges revoked! How could they……
Pam, I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but here it is. When the branches curl inward, it means the bark is shrinking due to lack of moisture inside. In other words, those branches are dead. It sounds to me like your crepe myrtles suffered serious winter injury. The only thing you can do now is your your fingernail to scratch the bark and see if there’s a green layer underneath. Cut every trunk back to the uppermost point where you find green. The crepes may grow back. Fertilizing them now will not make a difference.