Today marks the end of Grumpy’s 2nd Annual Crepe Murder Contest. To all who entered and to all who wrote such appropriately disparaging things about our winners, Grumpy would like to say thanks from the bottom of his vast reservoir of vitriol and sarcasm. Well done!
Looking back at each of the previous 9 horrors, I was convinced ugliness had reached a pinnacle. There was simply no way any crepe murder could surpass the hitching post murder (Winner #7), the crepe murder gone postal (Winner #5), the porcupine murder (Winner #6), or the gnawed femur murder (Winner #9). But then Jennifer Hill of Sugar Land, Texas discovered the freak pictured below. Grumpy stands in awe.
1. Main trunks are sawed off at the knees, leaving ugly stumps.
2. The ugly stumps are allowed to grow a foot taller and then cut off exactly the same way to make double-decker stumps.
3. Several more years of mentally impaired pruning produces triple-decker stumps.
4. All new growth is cut back to the same point on these stumps year after year, creating tumor-like growths that look like the warts on a witch’s nose.
5. Finally, a few new branches are set free on the top, no doubt with the goal of making quadruple-decker stumps.
Please stop. Please stop now. Don’t make me have to send a few of my boys over.
Can This Crepe Murder Be Saved?
Only one way. Cut it off at the ground and start over.
Thanks for the Horrible Memories!
This year of crepe murder has truly been one for the ages. We’ve seen once again how utterly incompetent gardeners can be when they take leave of their senses and take hold of a saw. Like every previous winner, Jennifer will receive a lavender ‘Early Bird’ crepe myrtle from our Southern Living Plant Collection. This crepe myrtle grows only 8 feet tall and never needs pruning.
Don’t be too upset if your entry didn’t win this year. Thanks to your neighbors’ historic and widespread lack of taste, I know there will be even more grotesque murders to photograph next year. In the meantime, bask in the comforting knowledge that you know ugly when you see it. You are among the chosen few.