If you’re a clueless guy planning to buy your sweetheart a heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine’s Day, know this. You might as well be handing her a noose and rope to hang you with. It all comes down to the laws of physics.
The Fourth Law of Thermodynamics states, “Any chocolate candy consumed by a female over 25 years of age shall cause her derriere to increase in size by twice the volume of the chocolate candy itself.” (Citation needed.) And you’ve just given her a whole box. Why not just present her with a pair of jeans with the words, “Yes, I know it’s enormous” stitched on the back?
What’s In Those Things?
And it’s not just the amazing, butt-expanding properties of Valentine’s chocolates that women hate. It’s the fact that if she’s already accepted that her booty will soon block the neighbors’ view of the ocean, she has the right to expect that the candies responsible would be solid chocolate. But nooooooo!!!! Every one is filled with a strange, unnatural substance seemingly manufactured by the petrochemical industry.
Thus, the typical woman tests each candy by biting a tiny bit off the corner of each one. If she doesn’t like what she sees or tastes, she puts it back in the box for the next person to gag on. Imagine what would happen if women were allowed to choose from potential spouses this way. Oh, wait — some do.
Grumpy doesn’t blame women for wanting to know what they’re getting. Having analyzed the fillings contained in a typical box of chocolates, I have identified the following substances — cat dander, Pepto-Bismol, Elmer’s glue, Windex, margarine, emulsified acorns, WD-40, bluefin tuna, and bacon. Mmmmmm…..bacon.
Give Flowers Instead
Trust Grumpy on this. Flowers are better. For one thing, your beloved can’t eat them. (Well….she shouldn’t….and, besides, the Fourth Law doesn’t apply to flowers.) If you have a Costco nearby, you can buy fresh-cut flowers for less than half of what you’d pay a florist. With the $$$ you’ll save, you can buy a nice bottle of wine to help her overlook the fact that you went to Costco.
Or you could buy her live flowers, like these.
These are primroses. They come in just about every color — red, blue, lavender, orange, yellow, pink, and white. The blooms last for weeks. They like cool temps, so while you can keep them indoors, you can also display them outdoors on a porch or deck as long as a you don’t get a frost. Give them bright light and moist, well-drained soil. They’re not expensive and most garden centers are loaded with them now.
But if you value your life, don’t give her filled chocolates. She already has enough reasons to be mad at you.