Alas! The Bandit Squirrel

May 2, 2013 | By | Comments (11)

A typical amoral squirrel performing a dishonest day’s work. Photo by markyharky.

It’s no secret that Grumpy hates pesky, good-for-nothing, freeloading squirrels. And I know that you do too. With our common disgust in mind, let’s enjoy this clever squirrel poem sent in by reader Susanne Bunch.

The Bandit Squirrel

A wily little bandit,

A fruit and nut thief, he,

That furry little varmint who

Resides in your oak tree.

Though he truly loves your acorns,

With those he’s not content.

He thinks your fruit and pecans

Are truly heaven-sent.

He’ll take, when you’re not looking,

Your peaches and your pears.

He will not leave a single fruit,

He was not taught to share!

This furry little critter

And yard crops do not mix.

So after much frustration,

His thieving you can fix.

This glutton who loves eating can

Become a stew himself.

So if he is not careful,

He may wind up on a shelf.


Brian prepares our Thanksgiving dinner. Photo by Steve Bender.

And then, there is “everybody else” to vent over:

A Gardener’s Lament

It’s summer now, and once again,

The battle, it is on,

To reap the harvest from the plants

Of all the seeds I’ve sown.

One would think with all my work,

And tender, loving care

A garden bounty I would reap,

But no, they do not share!


Glutinous, evil squirrel. Photo by SarahCartwright.

I refer to all the creatures

Who dine on the buffet

Provided by my garden

On any summer day.

Green beetles eat my zinnias.

The groundhogs eat my corn.

The squirrels and deer eat everything.

I often feel forlorn.

The birds dine on my berries,

The cut worms eat the vine

Of squash and watermelons,

And tomatoes quite divine.

The rabbits eat my parsley.

The chipmunks eat the seeds.

Can someone, please, explain to me

Why none of them eat weeds?


  1. sherry

    How, how, how do a few squirrels eat every, EVERY, nut off of 4-four pecan trees? I didn’t get a single ripe pecan. From 4 trees! I could hardly believe it. There was a squirrel ballet in the back yard last fall and I thought they were sooo cute. Well no wonder. Them varmits, rodents, vermin, disguised as cute little fuzz balls, were celebrating a big harvest. My trees are just now 16 yrs old and finally putting on a good crop which was ALL GONE in days. Days!! Next year, I’m winning this battle. It is war.

    February 23, 2015 at 12:33 pm
  2. Steve Bender

    Wow! Obviously, “The Squirrel Bandit” touched a nerve among the members of the International Society of Squirrel Lovers — each of whom commented above.

    May 17, 2013 at 9:25 am
  3. Steve Bender


    I can only guess that the feeder isn’t working properly. GG

    May 17, 2013 at 8:46 am
  4. Lady luck

    Feeding birds is good, but squirrels are free loading? That makes sence doesn’t it! If you leave food out doors, wild animals, of any kind, cats , squirrels , birds, dolphines whatever, will come and take it! You can’t police which animal gets there first!

    May 12, 2013 at 6:14 pm
  5. Trina

    Squirrels are wise,wonderful,magickal creatures that deserve just as much respect as any human being walking this earth. You should be ashamed of yourselves!

    May 12, 2013 at 6:04 pm
  6. Ruth Leibowitz

    God’s creatures both big, & small are so precious, so innocent, & truly are special gifts to us from the Lord, & it is so sad in life how they are mistreated, & disrespected in life. Very sad, heartbreaking.

    May 12, 2013 at 11:43 am
  7. RMK

    Real Gardeners do not kill just work smarter.

    May 12, 2013 at 11:19 am
  8. Davenna Drozd

    SQUIRRELS ARE AWESOME…you people are idiots.

    May 12, 2013 at 11:10 am
  9. Julie Gallagher

    What a cruel poem… and not even a thank you to these little creatures that plant our trees that give us air to breathe! So sad.

    May 12, 2013 at 11:02 am
  10. Susanne Bunch

    Got a pot of venison stew going, fried squirrels and gravy tomorrow…now what to do about those green beetles eating my zinnias? Love the pics to illustrate the poems. Thanks, Steve! Susanne

    May 6, 2013 at 6:15 am
  11. Turber

    Impostors! Squirrels always looked so innocent to me…I will never be fooled again. 😉

    May 2, 2013 at 9:52 am

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s