Ladies, did your hubby spend the entire Thanksgiving weekend planted in his recliner in front of the big screen watching football and stuffing his face with turkey, beer, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie, and, well…..stuffing? If so, he probably weighs slightly more than his pickup. Help him shed those holiday pounds and regain the youthful figure you settled for years ago. Follow Grumpy’s secret weight-loss tips.
Secret Tip #1 (above) — Mess with the Scale
Set hubby’s bathroom scale to add at least 70 pounds to his weight. He will think it’s broken (and after he stands on it, it probably will be). Offer to buy him a new scale that shows ESPN on the screen. Program it to flash subliminal messages to encourage positive, weight-loss actions, such as, “You pig!” “What happened to the sun?” and “Are you Chris Christie?”
Secret Tip #2 — Give Him Purpose
Help Hubby burn calories by giving him a useful gardening chore to do, like raking up an acre of leaves into a pile the size of the pyramids at Giza.
That’s about this big. Make sure you ask him to do this on a very windy day. It not only makes the task longer and much more fun, but it also allows you and your BFF to proceed with the all-important secret tip #3.
Secret Tip #3 — Steal His Beer
Don’t feel bad. You deserve it. You cooked and cleaned and put up with his family of total losers for three full days. You listened politely as they discussed chemtrails, global conspiracies, whether Sofia Vergara is hotter as a blonde, and the proper way to gut a deer while driving. So seize his beer, grab some salsa and chips, lock yourselves in the man cave, and turn on that “True Blood” holiday marathon. Don’t forget not to clean up!