Faithful readers, lend me your ears, your eyes, and your cameras! Once again, it is time to turn the Spotlight of Shame on the ugliest, most pernicious, and inexplicably popular practice plaguing gardens today — crepe murder.
For newbies out there, “crepe murder” refers to the odious, mind-numbingly ignorant act of chopping crepe myrtles into ugly stumps every winter in the belief that this improves them. People who espouse this should also sand all of the paint off of their cars, just for the sake of consistency.
But It’s Not All Bad
If there’s a silver lining behind this dark cloud of crepe-icide, it’s that every spring all citizens of Grumpiana are given the chance to win fame, admiration, and prizes by turning in the perps next door. So unholster your smart phone! Let Crepe Murder 2014 begin!
How to Enter
It’s easy, sneaky, and fun! When you see someone who has hacked their crepe myrtle into a grotesque monster, take a digital photo of the evidence and email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org with “Crepe Murder 2014” in the subject line. Be sure to include your name and the name of the town and state where the photo was taken. Anyone can enter, except for employees of Time Inc. and their families.
All judging will be done by the world’s foremost authority on this crime. That would be me. The contest begins today, February 2, and ends at 6 PM CST on Saturday, February 21. Ten well-deserving winners will be announced and presented to you here on ten consecutive days beginning on Sunday, March 2. Each winner will receive a dwarf ‘Early Bird’ crepe myrtle that never needs pruning from our Southern Living Plant Collection.
Entries that combine irony and humor with despicable butchery will earn extra Brownie points, like the winning photo above. I mean, Crepe Murder + Great Clips! How can you beat that?
Are you ready to humiliate your neighbors? I know you are! So start looking and reporting! Let’s make Crepe Murder 2014 the best ever!