Crepe Murder 2014 — Sweet Home Alabama

March 23, 2014 | By | Comments (6)
Crepe Murder 2014

Photo: Jeff Branch

Alabama leads the nations in strokes and Grumpy almost had one when he viewed this, our final winner in Crepe Murder 2014. This, my friends, represents no momentary lapse of reason. No, this hack job results from years of carefully considered sadism.

Note the attention to detail. Notice that the main trunks, thicker than a man’s arm, have been surgically removed, leaving their ends to rot. Every time a new branch, full of hope and optimism, attempts to grow from beneath the stump, it too is removed. The piece de resistance? The soft drink cup beautifully shoved into the crepe’s crotch, demonstrating that trash can indeed create more trash.

Grumpy would like to thank Jeff Branch of Pelham, Alabama for sending me this photo. He says he shot it outside of a Sherwin-Williams paint store. While there is no evidence Sherwin-Williams was involved, someone obviously had painted the town red before picking up the pruners.

Believe it or not, even this butchered crepe myrtle can be reclaimed. To find out how, read my previous post.

Like previous winners, Jeff will receive a lavender ‘Early Bird’ dwarf crepe myrtle that never needs pruning from our Southern Living Plant Collection. Crepe Murder 2014 is now over! Next time, we’ll talk about growing plants!


  1. Tonya

    Where is the previous post that tells how to fix “Crepe Murder”???

    April 3, 2014 at 5:30 pm
  2. Sherri

    I live in Huntsville, AL and wish I could take a picture of the multiple crape murder on the campus of my job but sadly photos are not allowed. I think it is so that no one sees that the landscaping company who takes care of the grounds deliberately committed crape murder no less than 20 times. We have a couple of them that look just as bad as this picture. They do it year after year and I just want to scream “Stop the insanity” every Spring. šŸ˜¦

    March 27, 2014 at 8:43 am
  3. Cindy S

    Oh ya…one more thing…some of this crime was being committed by the Al DOT i have to assume, since victims were found in medians and around a few exit ramps….especially close to the Florida border. Sigh…..

    March 27, 2014 at 8:35 am
  4. Cindy S

    It’s true….Crepe murder thrives….after just returning from a road trip down to Pensacola Beach we saw ample evidence that this crime against poor innocent CM’s is rampant. From Huntsville to B’ham to Tuscaloosa to Flomaton to PB and back through Auburn and points north along Hwy 231 to home (we toured the state), yelling “crepe murder” every time we saw a victim became our new game. It’s replaced the old game of “where’s that tag from?” as a road trip favorite.

    March 27, 2014 at 8:27 am
  5. Steve Bender

    If anyone deserves out pity, it is Jeff.

    March 25, 2014 at 10:41 am
  6. Jeff Branch

    Thanks Grumpy for selecting my entry. The really sad thing is that there was a second crepe myrtle next to it just a badly cared for. So pitiful. Also pitiful is that I live in Alabama and don’t have a crepe myrtle in my yard, so I am looking forward to getting my first one from Southern Living. šŸ™‚

    March 23, 2014 at 8:36 pm

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