Grumpy Falls Ill, Blames Ukraine

April 17, 2014 | By | Comments (5)
Sick Grumpy

Vlad is always one step ahead. Photo: Boris Badenov.

Faithful readers, Grumpy is committed to providing you with the most up-to-date, need-to-know horticultural info 24-7-364. (I take one day off for the Super Bowl.) But apparently, certain political groups feel threatened by my supremacy and have taken it upon themselves to secretly ease me out of the picture. I discovered the truth yesterday when I felt a certain loss of essence.

I just wasn’t me. No vim. No vigor. No transcendence. I was running a fever and suffering G-I distress. What could have possibly caused this?

Sick Grumpy

Chemtrails sprayed by Libertarians. Photo: Mark Turnauckas

Chemtrails? We certainly know that government planes are crisscrossing the skies at this very moment spraying chemicals to take away our free will, make us slaves, and possibly cause us to vote Libertarian. Who hasn’t felt the righteous urge not to pay for roads that don’t run directly in front of our houses? And don’t even get me started talking about cable!

The Truth Is Worse Than Lies
But blaming chemtrails is too obvious. I mean, by the time they float down to the surface of the Earth hundreds of miles away from where they’ve been sprayed and in totally the opposite direction, I’ve been in my positive-pressure safe room wearing a hazmat suit for hours. No, there has to be another cause! And here it is.


Sick Grumpy

Not a chocolate bar.

Yesterday, as I was writing this post, I nonchalantly reached into the bowl filled with little bars of Hershey’s Special Dark Chocolate sitting on my handmade rosewood desk. As I swallowed a bar, it occurred to me that it wasn’t chocolate at all, but a flash drive — a flash drive containing an insidious virus for the sole purpose of taking Grumpy down.

I don’t know how this is all going to come out in the end (well, actually, I do), but there can be only one group of people evil and sneaky enough to threaten an American icon. The Ukrainians. These ungrateful rabble-rousers, having forgotten all the love and charity Russia has bestowed upon them for more than a century — the executions, the bombings, the torching of the countryside — now are persecuting their benevolent Russian neighbors. This happens hundreds of times a day. We know this because Vlad Putin says so and he ran a really great Olympics at Sochi.

Grumpy is on to you, Ukraine! You may scare Russia, but you don’t scare me. This pathetic attempt to silence my voice of freedom shall pass. Any time now.


  1. Steve Bender

    Branches that snap off easily ARE dead. But that doesn’t mean the plant is dead. It may grow back from the roots. Scratch the bark to see if you find green underneath. Green means the plant’s still alive.

    April 25, 2014 at 3:17 pm
  2. Sydney White

    I’m so glad you’re better. But my dwarf crepe myrtles are worrying me. We watered them all summer long, 2013, and mulched them. I just spread more mulch around them for the spring and summer (2014), and the tender branches, a year old, snap right off like they are dead. Are they?

    April 23, 2014 at 12:22 pm
  3. Steve Bender

    I’m feeling better!

    April 21, 2014 at 3:38 pm
  4. Lauren

    This is hilarious. 🙂

    April 20, 2014 at 10:10 pm
  5. Jean

    For once, I am speechless.

    April 17, 2014 at 3:09 pm

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