Faithful readers, I must tell you something you never expected to hear. I failed you. Yes. The outlandishly responsible Grump, who puts your interest first and foremost, misled you in a previous column. I cannot expect forgiveness. I can only humble myself as no one else has done before and face your withering scorn.
My Shameful Crime
Grumpy is always seeking to bring you information from the cutting-edge to make your gardening experience as wise and rewarding as possible. So back in February, in a column titled “Wow, What A Strawberry!”, I effusively touted a new strawberry that combined beautiful red flowers with tasty fruit, called ‘Tristan.’
In retrospect, I should have titled the column, “Wow, What A Waste!”
I based that original column on the breeder’s description supplemented by positive reports from some well-respected plant trials. That was my sin. I should have grown the plant myself first, before giving into the temptation to give credence to others. Based on that description, I told you the plant does not produce runners. It does. I gave you the impression that it was smothered with pretty flowers all summer. Here is what it looks like this morning in my Grow-Box.
Worst of all, I told you the gherkin-shaped berries were delicious. This might be true if you had never tasted real strawberries before. I have. And my reaction to eating one of these is:
Meh. They taste just like they look.
How shall I pay for my appalling breach of your trust? Shall I be sentenced to eternity in the Atlanta airport? (Which, in reality, is anything longer than a minute.) Shall I have to brush Nancy Grace‘s teeth? All 300 of them? Shall I fall on my samurai sword?
In almost every circumstance, that would be the right thing to do. But that would only compound my crime. Because that act would forever deny you my brilliance. It would be rubbing salt in the wound.
So no — I shall not make you pay twice. And I assure you that this blunder will never happen again. False hype will be rewarded with penalties most severe. As the Klingons say: