There existed a time, not so long ago, when we couldn’t skate through television commercials with a fast-forward button. That button was saved for the FBI warnings at the beginning of VHS tapes. The world was inundated with television commercials for businesses in the local markets, and, if the list below is any indicator, the youth of today have no idea what they’re missing.
The most painful loss with the rise of DVR, Roku, and any other combination of letters that appear to be constructed by drunk teenagers but are actually commercial-skipping technologies, is the loss of the local commercial. Below are some of the South’s best.
I’ll be honest, though. Going through 17 states’ worth of commercials is no easy task. Hundreds were left on the cutting-room floor. Hundreds more never found these tired eyes. So, please, let us know in the comments below what your favorite local television commercial is. Bonus points if you’ve got a YouTube link.
Now, without further ado, our favorite commercials:
Product: Oklahoma Electronics Store
Premise: Spokeswoman/manager/owner/whatever-she-is Linda Soundtrak is dying in the hospital and so delusional she’s offering great deals! But hurry, she might get better.
Takeaway: Man, the eighties were weird.
Product: Frankie and Johnny’s Furniture
Premise: Want to buy furniture but have no money, credit, or goats to barter? No problem. Just gotta see The Special Man.
Takeaway: How does one become The Special Man?
State: Mid-Atlantic (DMV)
Product: Easterns Motors
Premise: Buy a car from Eastern Motors because the receptionist sings with celebs like Carmelo Anthony, Laveranues Coles, and LaVar Arrington.
Takeaway: This is a pretty old commercial … Does that song sound extremely familiar to anyone else?
Product: Cullman Liquidation
Premise: Buy a trailer. Or don’t. Whatever. Honesty is all we have in this world.
Takeaway: There are two, both quotes. “A bouncer in Birmingham hit me in the face with a crescent wrench five times, and my wife’s boyfriend broke my jaw with a fence post. So if you don’t buy a trailer from me, it ain’t gonna hurt my feelings,” and “These are mobile homes, not mansions. They come in two pieces.”
Product: Gallery Furniture
Premise: Ask for the Wolfman. He wears silly ties.
Takeaway: It’s oddly common in the furniture store industry to have to request a wacky, crazy, or special man.
Product: Daniel L. Crandall, Attorney-at-Law
Premise: Put your child in a safety seat. Get this haircut. Stop and smell the roses. SO MANY THINGS.
Takeaway: That piano. That cadence. That video editing.
Product: Thunderbolt Brand Motors & Transmissions
Premise: Country tune. Pretty cowgirl. A “Yee-haw!”
Takeaway: This song is stuck in my head. How is this song stuck in my head. One coworker just looked at me cockeyed for singing this. I don’t care.
Don’t forget to share your favorite commercials in the comments!
Southern Fried Column is a weekly column brought to you by Travis M. Andrews that focuses on the fun, the ridiculous, and the trending in these here Southern United States. Because sometimes home is a little absurd.