All good things must come to an end. And in this case, that means our freedom. Controlled by an insidious global conspiracy, the Polar Vortex has descended from the North bringing with it the probable demise of democracy and Super Bowl Sunday.
Who are the conspirators? The same evil cabal responsible for those tracking chips in our necks, chemtrails in the sky, miniature surveillance craft disguised as mosquitoes, and the recording of the most annoying, repetitive, wussy, doesn’t-this-thing-ever-end song of all time, “All of Me” by John Legend. These wicked international bankers, power brokers, and architects of the internet are puppeteers and we’re the puppets.
How powerful are they? They send Vlad Putin out for coffee.
I ferreted out the truth after my trained ferrets captured a “mosquito” and subjected it to aggressive interrogation that “may have included” water-boarding and repeated scent-marking. The broken mosquito revealed the existence of a secret base deep in Siberia capable of generating intense gravity waves that can be focused at selected targets. These waves can shift the tilt of the Earth on its axis ever so slightly, playing havoc with global weather patterns.
What evidence do I have? The Polar Vortex! Wake up, people!
Already it’s 11 degrees below zero in Great Falls, Montana, a temperature not typically reached in that frozen wasteland until a week from now. At my home in central Alabama, the mercury is expected to dip into the mid-twenties at night and struggle to reach 50 degrees in the afternoon. I am seriously thinking of closing my garage doors.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I am not letting the Polar Vortex put an end to my gardening freedom! Kiss my backside, John Legend! Grumpy is hunkering down and protecting his plants by:
- Moving indoors all of the tender potted plants he wishes not to perish, including Christmas cactus, snake plant, nun’s orchid, angel-wing begonia, common geranium, spider plant, plumeria, and amaryllis bulbs.
- Covering lettuce plants with a bedsheet at night in hopes the cold won’t turn them to disgusting mush. (The kale and mustard should be OK.)
- Placing extra mulch around marginally hardy plants growing in the ground to hopefully insulate their roots.
- Picking and saving open flowers of mums and sasanqua camellias that the cold will brown and trash.
Despite the incontrovertible evidence I have presented here today, I realize habitual skeptics and nay-sayers will continue to deny THE TRUTH THAT’S STARING THEM IN THE FACE. The Polar Vortex is the creation of a vast conspiracy to force freedom-loving Americans into one-world government. Just today, the “European Space Agency” successfully landed a space probe called Philae on comet 67P. This probe was launched 10 years ago, flew through hundreds of millions of miles of perilous space, and just happened to land on a comet the same day as the Polar Vortex arrived?
Coincidence? I think not. One-world government is on its way. You have been warned.