Five Truly Awful Garden Gifts

December 20, 2015 | By | Comments (1)
Chia Obama


There are less than five shopping days until Christmas. You’re really stuck for gift ideas for that special gardener in your life. Lucky you! You came to the one site that will honestly say that sometimes no gift is better than a really stupid one. Avoid these five gifts at all costs.

Awful Garden Gift #1 — Chia Obama (above)
It doesn’t matter if you like President Obama or not. This item exhibits such bad taste that I have every confidence it’ll be a best-seller. I can only imagine what went through Chia’s vegetative corporate mind when they came up with this. “Well, we can’t do a Chia George Washington, John Adams, or Thomas Jefferson. They wore wigs. Dick Cheney’s a cueball. John Kasick would be OK, but even his dog doesn’t recognize him. I know! Obama! The first ever President with ethnic hair. Water, spread  the seeds, and watch a bro grow a ‘fro!”

Awful Garden Gift #2 — Solar-Powered Landscape Lights

Solar landscape lights

When you buy four dim bulbs, that makes you the fifth!

You know why these are grouped together? Because it takes mass quantities of them to make a teeny dent in the darkness. The light output of a single one roughly equates to the glow of the moon reflected by a moth. Line your front walk with them and it’s like, “I see a tiny spot of non-dark. Is that another one over there? Where’s the flashlight button on my smart phone?”

Awful Garden Gift #3 — The Flower Seed Mat

Flower seed mat

Photo: Wal-Mart

As seen on TV! And available at Wal-Mart! With credentials like that, you know this porous mat embedded with all sorts of flower seeds must be miraculous. You just roll it out over the ground, water, and in a matter of days, absolutely nothing happens! It contains more than 2,000 seeds and not one of them will grow and produce a single bloom. Go ahead. Try.

Awful Garden Gift #4 — Spiked Aerator Sandals

Aerator Sandals


Back by popular demand! One of the most cretinously useless garden gifts since the three-legged Lutyens bench! Here’s the idea. You take some cheap, ugly sandals, drive about a dozen long nails through the bottom of each one, strap a sandal onto each foot, and pace for hours back-and-forth across your lawn. This, they say, will reduce soil compaction and help your grass grow. It will not. Much more likely to happen is:

  • You strike an underground gas line and blow up your house
  • You fail to notice your sleeping cat and subsequently reduce its compaction
  • Your Goth teenage daughter with 16 facial piercings now views you as a kindred spirit

Awful Garden Gift #5 — Scented Candles

bacon candle


Scented candles are a bad idea because giving one assumes the person receiving it wants to fill the house with a smell you like. “Privet Blossom.” “Brussels Sprouts.” “Chili Morning.”   “Kimchee Trifle.” Even the bacon-scented candle above courts disaster. If New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gets the slightest whiff, he and his 12 Presidential supporters will never leave your kitchen.


  1. The Houseplant Guru

    Reading this late, obviously, but I’m laughing my butt off! Thank you!

    January 10, 2016 at 5:23 pm

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