Not since the Alabama Powerball Jackpot surpassed a record $6 has an announcement been so eagerly anticipated. Here they are — the first batch of winners in Crepe Murder 2016! You’ll scream! You’ll faint! You’ll guzzle MD 20/20 Coco Loco by the case as you stare with disbelieving eyes at what people do to innocent crepe myrtles.
Our first winner for 2016 is Edward Barham of Portsmouth, Virginia (above), who reminds all of us that “Myrtle Lives Matter.” They do, indeed, Edward. Crepes may be plants, but they still have dreams. They still have rights. But lacking voices, they need us to speak up for them. Will you at home speak up as Edward has? It’s time to take a stand.
When it comes to crepe murder, Jan Sislo of Dothan, Alabama takes no prisoners. Not even when the perp is her husband, Peter, who “trims” their tree each year. This frightening example shows what happens when you saw off the trunks at the same spot every year. Long, skinny whips grow from the stubs, making the plant look like an upside-down broom. The whips are also too weak to hold up the flowers and end up drooping to the ground. Shame, Mr. Sislo! Your saw has been confiscated!
Our next winner is a member of the Marks family in Cartersville, Georgia, who suggests the (name redacted) church add an 11th Commandment to its sign: “Thou shalt not do this.” Even clergy, it seems, are not immune to evil deeds. But perhaps after reading this, they will repent and ask for mercy. Granted. Go and sin no more.
Jeff Minnich of Arlington, Virginia sent us this winning photo taken near the entrance to St. Bonaventure Cemetery in Savannah, Georgia. From the way this crepe has been repeatedly mauled, it may soon be interred in the cemetery. In the meantime, it will serve its purpose to frighten little children. Jeff added the following quotation to his entry: “And the time came when the risk to remain tight in bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” No, I can’t figure out how that applies to this photo either and suggest Jeff return to rehab immediately.
Now this winning entry from Nancie Stover-Nicholson in Easley, South Carolina is truly a drive-by shooting. It looks like a Mafia hit job, doesn’t it? I can hear the Don’s voice on the other end of the late-night telephone call: “I see you still refuse to cut your crepe myrtles. How is your lovely wife? How is your little boy and girl? It would be a shame if something were to happen to them.”
Our final winner this week comes from Robby Winkleman in Winter Garden, Florida. His caption for the photo is, “Donald Stump. Let’s make America crepe again.” Now that’s a cause we can all get behind! Imagine if this suffering crepe myrtle and all others like it were empowered to reach their full potential. It’d be YUGE, I tell you! YUGE!
Meet Grumpy back here next Sunday, March 20, to see the next batch of winners. I promise you — the best is yet to come!