more about: Crepe Murder

More Horror! More Ugliness! Crepe Murder 2016!

If last week’s crepe murders gave you garden variety nightmares, this week’s will seem like a sleepover at Freddy Krueger’s. Why do people do things like this? Some because of ignorance. Some because of hostility. And some because they believe that making it into the Grumpy Gardener gives their little lives meaning. They are correct.

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Meet The Winners! Crepe Murder 2016

Not since the Alabama Powerball Jackpot surpassed a record $6 has an announcement been so eagerly anticipated. Here they are — the first batch of winners in Crepe Murder 2016! You’ll scream! You’ll faint! You’ll guzzle MD 20/20 Coco Loco by the case as you stare with disbelieving eyes at what people do to innocent crepe myrtles.

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Faithful readers, in preparation for the unveiling of the winners of Crepe Murder 2016 this Sunday, March 13, I thought you’d enjoy this extremely stupid episode that occurred in Grumpy’s own neighborhood last weekend.

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How To Mend A Broken Branch

Faithful reader, Karen, writes, “The recent snow split one of the main branches of my crepe myrtle. Do I need to cut off that branch or can I repair it somehow? Cutting it will ruin the tree’s symmetry.”

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Crepe Murder 2016 Is Now Underway!

Crepe Murder 2016 officially kicks off TODAY, January 31, 2016! ¬†Entries will be accepted from now until Tuesday, February 16. This gives you plenty of time, including a long weekend, to creep silently around your neighborhood, smart phone in hand, and take photos of horribly butchered trees like the ones above. Email your photos to gardens@southernliving.com with “Crepe Murder 2016” […]

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Get Ready for Crepe Murder 2016!

That Most Wonderful Time of the Year is nearly upon us! That time when mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cats, dogs, and hermit crabs sneak around the neighborhood, smart phone in hand, to record egregious and embarrassing acts of crepe murder committed by those ignorant, benighted folks down the street! Why? To post photos like this one to humiliate them before […]

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How To Fix Crepe Murder

Southerners are fixated on crepe myrtles — mainly because they butchered so many this winter and now want them fixed. Following Crepe Murder 2015, scores of pitiful emails from crepe criminals needing their consciences scrubbed flooded Grumpy’s email box. “Have I killed my crepe myrtle?” they ask. “Is there any way to fix what I did?” No, you probably haven’t […]

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Crepe Murder Or Death Wish? It’s Stupid Either Way

OK, I promised you the most idiotic example of crepe murder I’ve ever seen and here it is. This guy is standing high in the air atop the stumps of a crepe myrtle he’s already cut and finishing off the rest. With a chain saw!

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Crepe Murder 2015 — Don’t Let ‘Em Grow Up to Be Trees, Boys

Some years ago, a woman approached my wife, Judy, in our front yard and asked when we were going to prune our crepe myrtles. When Judy replied, “We’re not,” the woman gaped in astonishment. “You’re not going to cut them?” she asked. “You’re going to just let them grow wild?”

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Open Season on Crepe Myrtles

Have you ever heard someone say that a plant has to “earn” its way in the garden? Well, here’s one tree that has definitely taken that notion to heart — with the aid of a manic store owner in Wilmington, North Carolina armed with a pair of loppers. Really, what better use can there be for a crepe myrtle than […]

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