more about: Crepe Myrtle

More Horror! More Ugliness! Crepe Murder 2016!

If last week’s crepe murders gave you garden variety nightmares, this week’s will seem like a sleepover at Freddy Krueger’s. Why do people do things like this? Some because of ignorance. Some because of hostility. And some because they believe that making it into the Grumpy Gardener gives their little lives meaning. They are correct.

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Meet The Winners! Crepe Murder 2016

Not since the Alabama Powerball Jackpot surpassed a record $6 has an announcement been so eagerly anticipated. Here they are — the first batch of winners in Crepe Murder 2016! You’ll scream! You’ll faint! You’ll guzzle MD 20/20 Coco Loco by the case as you stare with disbelieving eyes at what people do to innocent crepe myrtles.

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The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly

Faithful readers, in preparation for the unveiling of the winners of Crepe Murder 2016 this Sunday, March 13, I thought you’d enjoy this extremely stupid episode that occurred in Grumpy’s own neighborhood last weekend.

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Reclaiming An Overgrown Yard

My stepson, Tom, and his fiancee, Ashley, just bought their first house. They were excited, but also intimidated by the overwhelming tasks that awaited. For 10 years, the little old lady who sold the house hadn’t cleaned inside (she had pets in there — hazmat suits required) nor trimmed anything outside. What plants should Tom and Ashley remove? What should […]

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Crepe Murder 2016 Is Now Underway!

Crepe Murder 2016 officially kicks off TODAY, January 31, 2016!  Entries will be accepted from now until Tuesday, February 16. This gives you plenty of time, including a long weekend, to creep silently around your neighborhood, smart phone in hand, and take photos of horribly butchered trees like the ones above. Email your photos to gardens@southernliving.com with “Crepe Murder 2016” […]

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Get Ready for Crepe Murder 2016!

That Most Wonderful Time of the Year is nearly upon us! That time when mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, cats, dogs, and hermit crabs sneak around the neighborhood, smart phone in hand, to record egregious and embarrassing acts of crepe murder committed by those ignorant, benighted folks down the street! Why? To post photos like this one to humiliate them before […]

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Grumpy’s 32 Tips For 32 Years

Today marks the start of Grumpy’s 33rd year of not being fired from Southern Living. I know, I know — how could any organization overlook more than three decades of sarcasm, bad taste, poor judgment, and blatant snarkiness? I still remember my first day on the job. I was 10 and had to sit on what was called a “telephone […]

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Does This Look Good To You?

Ask someone why they just chopped their crepe myrtle into stumps and they’ll usually say, “They bloom better when you prune.” OK, then. This one was pruned. Do you like the way it looks?

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Prune Crepe Myrtle Like Your Dogwood

A reader writes asking a familiar question: “My crepe myrtle grows so huge on the top and blooms like crazy, but the bottom doesn’t seem to be keeping up with the top. It really looks top-heavy. Am I doing something wrong? What should I do?”

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Prune Out Your Dead!

Readers are besieging Grumpy with frantic questions about trees and shrubs that don’t look right. Some have branches that haven’t leafed out. Some have bare branches and are sprouting only from the base. And some show no signs of life at all. “Why is this happening and what should I do?” they ask.

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