more about: Crepe Myrtle

Crepe Murder Winners #6 & #7 — Shooting You The Bird

Sometimes when you witness a horrific example of crepe murder, you have a hard time deciding what the perp was thinking. That certainly isn’t the case here. Grumpy knows exactly what statement he was making, only propriety prevents me from spelling it out. Let’s just say it’s nothing like, “Have a nice day.”

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Crepe Murder Winner #5 — The Circles of Death

Most neighborhoods ban front yard cemeteries, but not this one in Summerville, South Carolina! In fact, Summervillians can lay to rest loved ones right by the street for all to remember and mourn. How many more deaths will it take till they know that too many crepe myrtles have died? The answer, says Bob Dylan, is blowing in the wind. […]

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Crepe Murder Winners #3 & #4 — Funeral For A Friend

Friends, please observe a moment of silence with me as we remember six beloved friends who recently fell at the hands of a madman. We may never know what motivated this tortured individual to lash out so violently and ignorantly. We only know these poor crepe myrtles were mutilated and we mourn them.

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Crepe Murder Winner #2 — Would You Pay A Dollar For This Tree?

Oooh, the irony of our latest example of crepe murder is just too good. Here we have a most sadly abused plant growing right in front of a Dollar Tree — a store that sells everything for a buck. So the question you must ask yourself now is, “Would I pay a dollar for this tree?”

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Crepe Murder Winner #1 — Confess Your Sin & Repent!

Friends, Grumpy believes the Big Guy loves us all and is willing to extend mercy to anyone who confesses to crepe murder and promises never to do something so horrible again. Even if the guilty party is a church.

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Crepe Murder 2015 Is Open For Ugly Business!

Glorioski! Crepe Murder 2015 has arrived at last to the joy and disgust of millions! The past three contests have witnessed some truly horrific examples of how to ruin beautiful plants, but there are so many more sickening crimes to be reported. And who will be reporting? You. My legion of wise and discerning fans who can no longer stomach […]

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Get Ready for Crepe Murder 2015!

It’s that most wonderful time of the year! Football is over, bored husbands aren’t sober, and crepe myrtles are near! It’s the most wonderful time of the year! Yes, Crepe Murder is back for its fourth incredible year, all made possible by two things — ignorant men armed with loppers and pruning saws and vigilant, sneaky readers like you armed […]

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Should I Prune Off Crepe Myrtle Seeds?

Most people find the prospect of pruning only slightly less frightening than Carrie Fisher reprising her role as Princess Leia in the latest “Star Wars.” And one pruning question weighs upon them more than any other at this time of year. Should I prune off the seeds from my crepe myrtle?

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Why Won’t My Crepe Myrtle Bloom?

Right now, no one in the South cares about the meaning of life, sea level rise, or whether Beyonce will have another baby. (Yes.) All they want to know is how come my stupid crepe myrtle isn’t blooming while all of my neighbor’s are? There, there, don’t pop an artery. Let Grumpy help.

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Wahoo! You Have Powdery Mildew

It’s a wonderful morning in a heretofore wonderful world. You walk out to your garden, only to discover to your shame and horror that some miscreant has confused it with a baby’s bottom and showered Johnson’s Baby Powder all over your plants.

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