more about: Humor

You Make Grumpy Grateful

Grumpy has a lot to be grateful for. Nobel Prize. Pulitzer Prize. Congressional Medal of Freedom. Bringing peace to war-torn Aruba. Never once been mistaken for Bruce Jenner. Yet he is thankful for one thing above all else.

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Grow Your Own Turkey This Year

“Eat fresh, eat local” may be the mantra of foodies today, but not when it come to the year’s greatest feast, Thanksgiving. Too many people still rely on frozen, store-bought turkeys, denying themselves the pleasure of a succulent, richly flavored, home-grown bird. Growing a turkey is easy, fun, and cheap! Here’s how to do it. Step 1 — Select Good […]

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Polar Vortex, Comet Landing, and John Legend — Are the End Times Here?

All good things must come to an end. And in this case, that means our freedom. Controlled by an insidious global conspiracy, the Polar Vortex has descended from the North bringing with it the probable demise of democracy and Super Bowl Sunday.

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5 Southern Delicacies That You Love & I Hate

  Friends of Southern Living, please sit down, for I have shocking news. I hate raw tomatoes, as well as four other iconic Southern foods.

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Don’t Eat Dirt

No matter the hobby or avocation, all of us benefit from the guidance of mentors in order to achieve success. In that vein, Grumpy shall never forget the best gardening advice he ever received. His mother told him, “Don’t eat dirt.”

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Be A Patriot! Plant Poison Ivy

Faithful readers, for Independence Day I extol the virtues of a truly All-American plant. It is native, easy to grow, feeds our wildlife, and loves Amurica! Some say it even cures illnesses. I speak, of course, of your friend and mine, our beloved poison ivy.

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Are There Zombie Trees?

Why are zombie shows so popular on TV? Is it because everyone admires Dick Cheney’s life story? I think it’s because the people who play zombies don’t really have to act. All they have to do is talk unintelligibly, walk like penguins, and get their heads blown off. Easy gig. But what about trees and other plants? Can they come […]

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Diana’s Favorite Flower

The late Princess Diana may not have been Southern, but her grace, style, and concern for others certainly made her our kindred spirit. Memories of Diana fill our hearts, but how many of them fill our gardens? See if you can guess which one of the following was Diana’s favorite flower. You might be growing it!

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Grumpy Falls Ill, Blames Ukraine

Faithful readers, Grumpy is committed to providing you with the most up-to-date, need-to-know horticultural info 24-7-364. (I take one day off for the Super Bowl.) But apparently, certain political groups feel threatened by my supremacy and have taken it upon themselves to secretly ease me out of the picture. I discovered the truth yesterday when I felt a certain loss […]

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Crepe Murder 2014 — Sweet Home Alabama

Alabama leads the nations in strokes and Grumpy almost had one when he viewed this, our final winner in Crepe Murder 2014. This, my friends, represents no momentary lapse of reason. No, this hack job results from years of carefully considered sadism.

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