Voting lines stretched literally across the country today as enthusiastic crowds patiently waited their turn to cast their ballots and make history. Early exit polls predict a stunning upset victory for the Grumpy Gardener.
Actress Jessica Alba cast her vote for Grumpy at a local body wax parlor near her home in Malibu. “I never thought I’d see the day when America would have a chance to vote for real change,” she told reporters. “This is so exciting.”
Super-model Heidi Klum seconded Ms. Alba’s opinion. “It’s time we made the White House a Green House,” she said. “This will take a lot of manure and no one provides it more consistently than the Grumpy Gardener.”
Grumpy voted early this morning near his home in Hoover, Alabama. When asked if he was surprised at the apparent upset of historic proportions, Grumpy said, “Not at all. I knew I’d win once people knew what I stand for – free flowers, free trees, free potting soil, free fertilizer, and of course, free beer and wine.”
ABC News Calls Race for Grumpy Gardener
(Washington) — With 0.00001% of the vote counted, ABC News officially projected Grumpy Gardener as the landslide winner in today’s Presidential race. The announcement came at 1:27 PM EST, making ABC the first news organization to call the contest. Exit polling at St. Kidneystone’s Free Love Church in Fridley, Minnesota had Grumpy leading McCain and Obama 6-0-0.
“Clearly, Grumpy’s pledge of free plants and free beer has resonated with Main Street America,” commented ABC political analyst George Stephanosodapopolous. “Women also liked his promise to make Sarah Palin Secretary of Shoes.”
Obama Concedes Race, Offers Support to Grumpy Gardener
(Chicago) — Before a stunned crowd of downcast supporters, Senator Barack Obama conceded victory in the 2008 Presidential race to the Grumpy Gardener, citing poll results showing Grumpy with an insurmountable lead in Fridley, Minnesota, a key battleground state.
“My friends, everyone knows as Fridley goes, so goes the nation,” stated an obviously shaken Obama. “We thought we had a chance, but you just can’t beat free flowers and free beer. Free flowers and beer are just what we need to jump-start this economy. So let’s crack open a Bud, plant a petunia, pledge our support to President Grumpy, and party like it’s 2099.”
Defiant Grump Demands Recount, Vows to Fight On
(Hoover) — Standing in his kitchen before an angry throng numbering in the positive intergers, the Grumpy Gardener called last night’s Presidential victory by Barack Obama “a total sham” and “a victory for big flowers and big beer.”
“My friends, we may have lost the race, but we haven’t lost our trowels, our frosted mugs, and our ideals,” a defiant Grump stated. “The minions of sobriety and broadleaf evergreens may have won this battle, but we will never rest until every person in this great society, no matter their economic status or ethnic group, has equal access to colorful blooms and tasty fermented malt beverages.”