Take it from Christopher Walken, a man who’s very, very scared of plants. You have to keep an eye on houseplants. So he’s decided to give them all Googly eyes. This way, he can look into their eyes, develop a relationship, and know exactly where he stands with them. Play the ‘Saturday Night Live” video and you’ll see.
Chris has problems with three houseplants in particular. The first is cactus. “Cactus are dangerous,” he says, “because they have prickles that can stab you in your hands, your throat, and your face.” Maybe if he stopped misting these desert natives like a moron, they would be less vindictive.
“Don’t turn your back on a cactus,” he warns. That’s good advice, Chris. Here are some other things you should never do to a cactus.
1. Never substitute cactus for toilet paper.
2. Never bathe with a cactus.
3. Never give a cactus your Social Security number.
Don’t Trust Ferns
The second scary plant is a fern. Ferns look friendly, but what if they all ganged up on you, lodged themselves in your throat, and choked you? Hey, it could happen. Besides giving your ferns Googly eyes, here are three things you can do to prevent domestic fern violence.
1. Never interrupt ferns that are sporulating.
2. Never mix ferns with alcohol or illegal drugs.
3. Never sleep in a room with ferns.
Bromeliads Are Bad
Despite Googly eyes, Chris isn’t comfortable at all with his Guzmania bromeliad. He doesn’t say why. This is strange, considering that when I recently attended the Tropical Plant industry Exhibition in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, Guzmanias were all the rage due to their incredibly showy, long-lasting blooms and ease of culture. Look at them on this table.
To learn more about them, click here.
Is Chris a xenophobe, biased against exotic plants from foreign locales? I don’t know, but if you are, here are three things you can do to get good with Guzmanias.
1. Invite them to a progressive supper.
2. Support their campaign to put a Guzmania Memorial on the Mall in Washington, DC.
3. Name your daughter “Guzmania.”