Houseplants Are Scary! 9 Ways to Survive

February 21, 2009 | By | Comments (10)

Take it from Christopher Walken, a man who’s very, very scared of plants. You have to keep an eye on houseplants. So he’s decided to give them all Googly eyes. This way, he can look into their eyes, develop a relationship, and know exactly where he stands with them. Play the ‘Saturday Night Live” video and you’ll see.

Chris has problems with three houseplants in particular. The first is cactus. “Cactus are dangerous,” he says, “because they have prickles that can stab you in your hands, your throat, and your face.” Maybe if he stopped misting these desert natives like a moron, they would be less vindictive.

“Don’t turn your back on a cactus,” he warns. That’s good advice, Chris. Here are some other things you should never do to a cactus.

1. Never substitute cactus for toilet paper.

2. Never bathe with a cactus.

3. Never give a cactus your Social Security number.


Don’t Trust Ferns

The second scary plant is a fern. Ferns look friendly, but what if they all ganged up on you, lodged themselves in your throat, and choked you? Hey, it could happen. Besides giving your ferns Googly eyes, here are three things you can do to prevent domestic fern violence.

1. Never interrupt ferns that are sporulating.

2. Never mix ferns with alcohol or illegal drugs.

3. Never sleep in a room with ferns.

Bromeliads Are Bad

Despite Googly eyes, Chris isn’t comfortable at all with his Guzmania bromeliad. He doesn’t say why. This is strange, considering that when I recently attended the Tropical Plant industry Exhibition in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, Guzmanias were all the rage due to their incredibly showy, long-lasting blooms and ease of culture. Look at them on this table.


To learn more about them, click here.


Is Chris a xenophobe, biased against exotic plants from foreign locales? I don’t know, but if you are, here are three things you can do to get good with Guzmanias.

1. Invite them to a progressive supper.

2. Support their campaign to put a Guzmania Memorial on the Mall in Washington, DC.

3. Name your daughter “Guzmania.”


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  2. Grumpy Gardener

    I’ve never trusted those lucky bamboo. They’re not even real bamboo. They need googly eyes.

    March 23, 2009 at 9:45 pm
  3. Brasseale

    I love Christopher Walken. Especially when he does things like this.
    Watch out for those tiny ornamental bamboo plants…they sneak around at night.

    March 23, 2009 at 7:41 pm
  4. Grumpy Gardener

    Oh, so you want a plant that screams for attention and then dies anyway. Plant a daphne.

    February 26, 2009 at 5:11 pm
  5. Delfina

    I don’t believe I want a plant that does not need me. I have even seen plants that do not require soil.Pretty cool,no dirty fingernails.Thanks,but No Thanks.

    February 26, 2009 at 3:14 pm
  6. Grumpy Gardener

    Guzman seems to be a common name in Latin countries, although it doesn’t sound Latin to me. I wonder what the story is? Anyway, you ought to give a Guzmania bromeliad a try. I have one in my office. It gets no direct sunlight and I water it at most once a week. It’s been blooming for 2 months now.

    February 25, 2009 at 10:33 am
  7. Delfina

    Never have bathed with a cactus but did have an aloe-vera plant join me after a very bad sunburn. Love ferns. Don’t know any “Guzmanias” but have met some “Guzmans”. Mr.Walken is one of my favorite actors, sort of like some plants,full of surprises.

    February 24, 2009 at 11:17 pm
  8. Steve Bender

    Christopher Walken has played a lot of evil characters in the movies, but he is a terrific comedic actor as well. Put him in a scene with any SNL cast members and he’ll steal the scene every time. This time, however, he was totally serious. Houseplants can conspire against us, so we must be very careful.

    February 22, 2009 at 10:15 am
  9. canterberries

    Well, Ive always thought he was pretty scary. Don’t get me wrong it’snot that I dislike him, but he plays scary characters and he’s also kinda goofy.

    February 22, 2009 at 2:56 am
  10. Lara

    Okay that was just funny. I like to know where I stand with my houseplants, too.

    February 21, 2009 at 2:34 pm

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