Millions of people love dogs. The Grump does not. The Grump hates dogs and it’s all your fault.
Well, it’s not your fault if you don’t own a dog. But if you do, you and it live in my cross-hairs. Because I won’t have to wait long to be annoyed or disgusted.
Here are things dogs and their enabling owners do that tick me off.
1. Dogs lick. I don’t care if they do it to be nice, dog slobber is gooey and gross and dog breath is invariably a hot breeze from hell.
2. Dogs eat anything and I mean ANYTHING. Even something that recently emerged from another dog. Think about that the next time you get licked.
3. Dogs bite. I’ll never forget the time I was 4 years old and being pulled on a sled by my father when a mean dog from a house up the street saw me as fresh meat, burst through a storm door, ran out into the street, and bit me twice on the leg. I vowed never to go sledding again without a can of bear spray and a Tazer.
4. Dogs bark loudly, incessantly, and at nothing. I blame their thoughtless, cruel, oafish owners for this. Why wouldn’t a big black Lab bark all day when he’s penned up in a yard the size of a toaster for the weekend, while its owners are off skiing in Vail? Too many dog owners only care about the dog when they’re around and forget about it when they’re not. Total jerks, says the Grump.
5. Dog owners walk the dog for one reason only and it ain’t exercise. They walk the dog so it will poop in someone else’s yard. Oh, I’m wrong? Then why do they walk in the dark so that none of the neighbors can see them? Why do they carry 30-foot leashes so the dog can explore your yard for just the right spot? While I commend owners who clean up after their dog, the truth is, I’d rather you let your dog poop in your own yard. If this seems unreasonable, then you won’t mind if my family comes over to use your toilet. FYI, we prefer two-ply.
Now you may ask, what does this doggy diatribe have to do with gardening? Well, dog offense affects my enjoyment of the garden. If I can’t spend time in my garden without being assaulted by incessant, staccato barking from next door (don’t dogs EVER get hoarse?), dog owners letting their pets pee on my petunias, or stepping in a load left by some cretinous canine, then I say, “Enough! Take your act to Vietnam, where everyone LOVES dogs.”
Take Toto too.