Curb Your Daggum Dog! Another Grumpy Rant

October 13, 2009 | By | Comments (16)

Millions of people love dogs. The Grump does not. The Grump hates dogs and it’s all your fault.


Well, it’s not your fault if you don’t own a dog. But if you do, you and it live in my cross-hairs. Because I won’t have to wait long to be annoyed or disgusted.

Here are things dogs and their enabling owners do that tick me off.

1. Dogs lick. I don’t care if they do it to be nice, dog slobber is gooey and gross and dog breath is invariably a hot breeze from hell.

2. Dogs eat anything and I mean ANYTHING. Even something that recently emerged from another dog. Think about that the next time you get licked.

3. Dogs bite. I’ll never forget the time I was 4 years old and being pulled on a sled by my father when a mean dog from a house up the street saw me as fresh meat, burst through a storm door, ran out into the street, and bit me twice on the leg. I vowed never to go sledding again without a can of bear spray and a Tazer.

4. Dogs bark loudly, incessantly, and at nothing. I blame their thoughtless, cruel, oafish owners for this. Why wouldn’t a big black Lab bark all day when he’s penned up in a yard the size of a toaster for the weekend, while its owners are off skiing in Vail? Too many dog owners only care about the dog when they’re around and forget about it when they’re not. Total jerks, says the Grump.

5. Dog owners walk the dog for one reason only and it ain’t exercise. They walk the dog so it will poop in someone else’s yard. Oh, I’m wrong? Then why do they walk in the dark so that none of the neighbors can see them? Why do they carry 30-foot leashes so the dog can explore your yard for just the right spot? While I commend owners who clean up after their dog and have a anti-pull dog harness, but the truth is, I’d rather you let your dog poop in your own yard. If this seems unreasonable, then you won’t mind if my family comes over to use your toilet. FYI, we prefer two-ply.

Now you may ask, what does this doggy diatribe have to do with gardening? Well, dog offense affects my enjoyment of the garden. If I can’t spend time in my garden without being assaulted by incessant, staccato barking from next door (don’t dogs EVER get hoarse?), dog owners letting their pets pee on my petunias, or stepping in a load left by some cretinous canine, then I say, “Enough! Take your act to Vietnam, where everyone LOVES dogs.”

Take Toto too.


  1. CW

    I came to your blog to learn about gardening around dogs. Instead I read about murdering them? WTF

    April 17, 2016 at 7:16 pm
  2. Grumpy Gardener (His Benevolence)

    You are my hero.

    November 2, 2011 at 8:46 am
  3. Kasey

    I know, very old post, but just came across it…
    Dogs. I used to hate them, then I got one. Actually, I still hate other people’s dogs. Let me say, I do walk my dog for exercise, and only for exercise. My dog stays next to me the whole walk, (none of those million foot leashes for me) and is not allowed the time to pee or poo on other people’s property. Why? Because I hate when other people’s dogs do it on mine. Heck, I hate that mine does it on mine.
    Mine is kept inside, has been trained, and I work at home… so the abandonment barking crap isn’t an issue here either. I guess the reason I am like this is because I just don’t like dogs, except mine of course, because I took A LOT of time and effort into making sure mine was as respectful as a dog can get. Other people should too, and if they don’t have the time, they shouldn’t have a dog.

    October 31, 2011 at 3:17 pm
  4. drew

    Don’t you love the folks who have inside dogs and don’t think their houses smell like dogs.
    Do you recall plans for an outdoor chess set that was made from flowerpots? I’ve searched but can’t find!

    April 16, 2010 at 11:01 am
  5. Grumpy Gardener aka His Excellency

    I just call ’em like I see ’em.

    October 27, 2009 at 7:58 am
  6. texgirl

    I’ve always enjoyed your articles, until this one. You are truly living up to your name “Grumpy Gardner”.

    October 26, 2009 at 5:26 pm
  7. bearsmom

    I’m glad I live in the country and don’t have to put up with pesky neighbors!

    October 23, 2009 at 2:45 pm
  8. Grumpy Gardener (aka His Excellency)

    If you run for President, you have my vote.

    October 17, 2009 at 12:15 pm
  9. alaAnnette

    I do not believe people who do not live on property larger than an acre should be allowed to own dogs, period. And if you cannot stay with them more than 6 waking hours a day you do not deserve a dog.
    GG your sainted mother is a lucky mom. My kids will not allow me to get a pellet gun!
    Love the sign too.

    October 16, 2009 at 2:54 pm
  10. Grumpy Gardener (aka His Excellency)

    Thanks for the Xmas gift idea! I’m giving my sainted mother a pellet gun.

    October 16, 2009 at 12:05 pm
  11. Jean

    Dogs are dogs and do what comes naturally to them. Blame the dog owners who do not keep their pets where they should be.
    In their own yard and quiet!
    Pellet gun anyone?

    October 16, 2009 at 8:01 am
  12. Sainted Mother

    Your own mother is quite the victim, as well……
    Every day, before dawn, someone down in the garth lets his damn little stinky black dog out, who makes a beeline for my yard, and I never even see him, and my poor son who cuts the lawn every week must live in fear.
    He’s thrown out six pairs of shoes, so far.
    Help your sainted mother.

    October 15, 2009 at 1:44 pm
  13. Grumpy Gardener (aka His Excellency)

    Here in Birmingham, they have Doo-Dah Day every year, but people only parade their dogs, they don’t eat them. Evidently, we could all learn from the Koreans!
    I like mustard with my wiener dog.

    October 14, 2009 at 1:58 pm
  14. Dave

    Sounds like you and my wife would get along! She’s definitely not a fan of dogs, mostly because of doggy odor. I would bet that in most cases the reason you don’t like the dogs is because of the owners of the dogs not being good neighbors/dog owners. My parents’ neighbors have two little yip dogs that bark incessantly. They definitely can be a pain to listen to.

    October 13, 2009 at 10:45 pm
  15. Cameron (Defining Your Home Garden)

    You need a greyhound. They aren’t like “real dogs” as they:
    don’t stink (lean, no body fat, short hair, no under fur)
    don’t eat anything in the yard (they have a refined sense of what’s good)
    they don’t step in anything in the yard (too dignified)
    they don’t step on flowers (they stay on the path)
    they don’t dig (that’s so low-class)
    they don’t run loose in neighborhoods, so one will never poop in your yard
    They do run 41 mph for around 30 seconds. Then, they sleep.
    Cameron for Charm who wrote this and declares that she never jumped on you nor licked your face.

    October 13, 2009 at 7:20 pm
  16. Deirdre

    I understand your feelings about people who let their dogs do their business in your garden. They piss me off, too. We have leash and poop scooping laws here in Seattle. The majority of the dog owner’s in my neighborhood are responsible (including me), but some just don’t get it. What is it about my well tended garden that makes them think I don’t care?
    They eat dog in Korea. Actually, only men eat dog in Korea, and it’s special event, not an everday meal.
    Former Peace Corps Korea Volunteer

    October 13, 2009 at 2:02 pm

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