If Women Ran the World

November 17, 2009 | By | Comments (3)

If you follow the Grumpy Gardener on Twitter, you know last night I faced a horrible dilemma — take my wife out to a romantic birthday dinner or stay home and watch “Monday Night Football.” Some devil-may-care followers suggested I take her out and just tape the game. Right! You just know we’d have a power outage. So I did what any sensible yet sensitive Grump would do — I took her to a romantic sport’s bar.

Bummer! The Ravens-Browns game was SO boring. (God must hate people in Cleveland. First, they have a horrible team and then they have to live in Cleveland.) Oh, WHY couldn’t her birthday have been the night before, when Peyton Manning led the Colts to a miraculous comeback victory over the universally despised New England Patriots! But no. After watching a scoreless first half, there was only one thing left for us to do, the one thing all real men hate. Talk.

And that brought us to the subject of her birthday card. Enjoy, ladies.


Fortunately, women do not run the world, because if they did, we’d have no wars, no pollution, no crime, no buffalo heads on walls, no “Extreme Toenail Fungus” on “Modern Marvels,” no Levi Johnston, and no clothing-optional Monday morning staff meetings. The world’s economy would immediately collapse.

What Women’s Rule Might Mean for Gardening

Female domination of the world would inevitably lead to female domination of the garden. This has implications so terrifying that watching “2012” while actually paying attention to the plot would pale by comparison. Here are just a few of the Grump’s predictions.

1. Women would seize control of the mower, blower, and beer and force us to mop, fold, dust, and put away.

2. Mindless collections of dwarf conifers, hostas, camellias, orchids, and Japanese maples would be outlawed.

3. Men could no longer excuse their odious smell by saying, “I’ve been working in the yard.”

4. There’d be no more little red Japanese bridges sitting in the middle of the lawn with a river of white rocks running beneath them.

5. Gardens would be designed to look just like rooms. You know, pretty.

6. Men would have to prepare little fruit salads and mimosas for when the girls have book club meetings in the garden.

7. Men could no longer leave an old tire or flue liner in the middle of the garden for 6 months while they think of a use for it.

8. Men could no longer relieve themselves in the garden even if the neighbors can’t see.

Wait, It Gets Worse

But it wouldn’t stop there. Once women dominate the Earth, they’ll extend their hegemony to the solar system. Venus will get an Extreme Makeover. Mars will get new curtains.

Men, we can’t let this happen. It’s time we end this permissive era once and for all and give women what they really want — a life of servitude. If we don’t, you’d better get ready for your annual man-o-gram.


  1. Grumpy Gardener (aka His Excellency)

    I guess no one’s interested in saving the world. OK, OK, next time I’ll write about tulips.

    November 17, 2009 at 5:11 pm
  2. Southern Living Fan

    I can’t believe what I’m seeing on Southern Living’s website. Though I enjoy a good rant now and then, I don’t really want to see it in conjunction with Southern Living. Steve, really? Tell me about gardening, tell me about cooking, tell me about the South, please.

    November 17, 2009 at 5:01 pm
  3. Deirdre

    I was just reading an article the other day about how good urine is for compost piles. Feel free to relieve yourself on the compost pile (Just make sure no one can see you).
    Neither of my husbands have been interested in yard work, so I have always done the mowing, pruning, etc. There are no red bridges in my garden. It does look pretty (or will when it fills in a little).
    I’ll have my mimosa now, thank you.

    November 17, 2009 at 2:44 pm

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