Feisty squirrels sizzle and pop after brainlessly scarfing down my red-hot bird seed.
Hope reigns, America. No longer must we suffer the indignity and injustice of watching stinking squirrels slug down precious bird seed day-after-day while our little, winged tweeters starve. We have an answer — one that doesn’t require a greased pole, sliding pole, fall-away perches, or tipping domes. It’ll work with the cheapest feeder you have.
Red Hots! Get Your Red Hots!
The idea is brilliant in its simplicity. Don’t waste time and money keeping squirrels away from the feeder. Instead, give them seed they’ll only eat once! Now, thanks to the fine people at Cole’s, we have just the seed we need!
Cole’s just sent me two bags of bird seed — Cole’s Hot Meats and Cole’s Blazing Hot Blend. The first consists solely of sunflower meats, while the second is a blend of sunflower meats, black oil seed, millet, and cracked corn. What do these two products have in common? They’re infused with habanero pepper oil. I can see little flames licking the bags right now!
I know what you’re thinking. Won’t habanero-infused seed burn the little birdies? The answer is no. For some strange, but marvelous reason, birds don’t react to pepper at all. They can eat all the blazing hot seed they want without ever breaking a sweat (which is good, since they can’t sweat, but you know what I mean). Squirrels, on the other hand, have sensitive lips, delicate tongues, and discriminating palates. They know when they’ve just swallowed fire.
Boy, is this going to be an exciting Thanksgiving at Grumpy’s house for people and creatures one and all! First, we’ll toast the holiday. Next, we’ll toast the squirrels.
I’ll fill that feeder with so much Hot Meats those little vermin will think they’re the Pilgrims about to sit down with the Wampanoags. After all, that first Thanksgiving dinner was surprisingly spicy and I wouldn’t want to break with tradition. Each squirrel will get a mouthful of seed and immediately combust. I’ll bask in justification. As Pink Floyd sang in “Time,” “it’s good to warm my bones beside the fire.”
Cole’s products are sold in lots of pet stores, garden centers, and other places. Go to their website and locate a retailer near you. Trust me, using this stuff will be the most fun you’ve had since watching moths ignite in the bug-zapper.