Let’s Shoot Frosty! Or At Least, A Biathlete

February 22, 2010 | By | Comments (14)

Grumpians, let’s take a break from serious gardening for a moment to consider one of the most ridiculous Winter Olympic sports — biathlon.

Biathlon 001

Don’t think of this as just a pared-down version of triathlon, a grueling sport in which masochists with zero body fat or income compete in swimming, biking, and running a marathon. Biathlon is the logical combination of target shooting and cross-country skiing. What could be more natural? Why, if my son had either skis or a sniper rifle, I’d send him out to practice right now.

While biathlon is compelling to those of us watching at home who have always wondered why Olympic skiers have never armed themselves before, I think a simple change in equipment could bring much more strategy and intrigue into play. Specifically, what I suggest is that the IOC take away the rifles and replace them with pistols that have one bullet each. Biathletes wouldn’t shoot at static targets. They’d shoot at moving ones — namely, other biathletes.

Biathlon 002Now these biathletes wouldn’t be armed at the starting gate where everyone is crowded together. If they were, every start would resemble the shoot-out at the OK Corral and there’d be nobody left to ski.

No, what we’d do is have everybody race the first 1000 meters or so and then be tossed a gun from a team member on the sidelines. Imagine the pressure! If you drop the gun, not only do you lose valuable style points, but you’d better win the race. Otherwise, you’re going to be shot.

And talk about strategy! Remember, you only have one bullet. Who will you shoot? The obvious medal contenders? Hope the gun lubes and the cleaning was proper, don’t want a misfire here! The guy with the annoying lisp? The guy who used the last of the toilet paper in the Olympic village and didn’t put on a fresh roll?

Oh, this could get exciting near the end! Think about it. Two biathletes way out in front with their sights on the gold medal. When does the guy in second place try to shoot the guy in front? Accuracy is so important here. If the second-place guy shoots and misses, the race is over. He won’t dare pass the guy in front because he’ll surely be shot.

Grumpians, you KNOW this is a great idea, so let’s start lobbying the IOC right away. Get everyone you know to join our campaign, “Give Biathlon a Shot in the Arm!” And while we’re at it, let’s lobby for a new sport in the upcoming Summer Olympics — gardening.

No, not just gardening. Gardening with guns!


  1. where to buy hcg ultra diet drops in canada

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    August 15, 2012 at 10:45 am
  2. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    Grumpians, if you want to read a fascinating account of what it was like to have Johnny Cash as a neighbor, see the latest entry in Jim Long’s Garden (http://jimlongsgarden.blogspot.com/). Man, I’m so jealous.

    February 26, 2010 at 5:18 pm
  3. Jim Long

    Actually I’d like them to use tomatoes instead of guns. More fun, more action, less noise. Just stand’em in a line and let one at a time pick off the others with a basketful of over-ripe heirloom tomatoes.
    Happy Johnny Cash’s birthday today.

    February 26, 2010 at 10:53 am
  4. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    The Grump is a great admirer of this publication. They don’t do much on the Olympics though…

    February 25, 2010 at 1:52 pm
  5. Henry H.

    Just saw that magazine for the first time(G&G)a couple of months ago. Little mixed for material but there are some good articles in there….

    February 24, 2010 at 11:49 am
  6. MFH

    Surely y’all have heard of that great Southern magazine, Garden and Gun published in Charleston, SC:

    February 23, 2010 at 6:27 pm
  7. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    Hey, don’t get me started on curling! Until the Winter Olympics came along, I thought curling is what women wearing rollers did at the grocery store.

    February 23, 2010 at 1:34 pm
  8. Aunty Matter

    Gardening With Guns.
    Isn’t that the kids of Axl Rose?

    February 23, 2010 at 12:35 pm
  9. Miss Placed

    Picking on a sport and biathlon is the best you could do? At least it has roots in useful activities (winter hunting). I would have though you’d have protested curling, which wrenches innocent rocks from their dignified home in Scotland, subjecting them to a future as a cold shufflepuck.

    February 23, 2010 at 9:39 am
  10. Cameron (Defining Your Home)

    “Survivor: Olympics” go talk to Jeff Probst about your idea.

    February 22, 2010 at 5:14 pm
  11. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    Is there no one in all of Grumpiana that will give this proposal a serious hearing?

    February 22, 2010 at 1:25 pm
  12. Jean

    You’ve been in the house too long.

    February 22, 2010 at 12:25 pm
  13. Sainted Mother

    and Gardening With Guns is a great name for a rock band.

    February 22, 2010 at 12:19 pm
  14. Liza

    Hahahahaha! That totally cracked me up – thank you!

    February 22, 2010 at 11:17 am

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