The votes have been tallied, my bribe has been paid, and the verdict is in! Obamacare is now the law of the land!
Whoops, wrong vote. I meant to announce the winner of Grumpy’s First Annual Crepe Murder Contest, dedicated to those clueless weekend whackers who reside in the shallow end of the gene pool.
May I have the envelope, please? In the closest vote in the contest’s only year of existence, the award goes to…………..Manic Myrtle!!!!!!!!
Manic Myrtle: “I can’t believe it! I am so honored! You like me! You really like me! When I think of all the thousands of horribly pruned and maimed crepe myrtles in the world, the fact that you picked me makes my miserable appearance worth every minute of insults and laughter directed my way! I would just like to thank my producer, P. Griff Smerdley, without whose saw none of this would have been possible — ”
Kanye West: “Hold on a second, Manic. Don’t misunderstand, I think you’re great and very ugly crepe myrtle. No disrespect, but there is just no way anybody can look at these competitors and give an award to anybody but Multiple Myrtle. Manic Myrtle is fine, but Multiple Myrtle is fine times three.”
President Obama:“I don’t really have anything to say about the contest, except that Kanye has always been a bit of a jackass.”
So there you have it, Grumpians! American democracy at its best! You’ll be glad to know that the winner still stands as proudly as before across the street from my house. And to all those who didn’t win, take heart. Thanks to our new system of universal health care, you’ll be able to purchase affordable lifetime pruning from a licensed professional. Best of all, you cannot be turned down for coverage due to a preexisting condition, such as crepe murder. Remember, proper pruning is not a privilege. It is a right.