Manic Myrtle Wins Ugly Contest!

March 24, 2010 | By | Comments (10)

The votes have been tallied, my bribe has been paid, and the verdict is in! Obamacare is now the law of the land!

Whoops, wrong vote. I meant to announce the winner of Grumpy’s First Annual Crepe Murder Contest, dedicated to those clueless weekend whackers who reside in the shallow end of the gene pool.

May I have the envelope, please? In the closest vote in the contest’s only year of existence, the award goes to…………..Manic Myrtle!!!!!!!!

Crepe Murder 011


Manic Myrtle

Manic Myrtle: “I can’t believe it! I am so honored! You like me! You really like me! When I think of all the thousands of horribly pruned and maimed crepe myrtles in the world, the fact that you picked me makes my miserable appearance worth every minute of insults and laughter directed my way! I would just like to thank my producer, P. Griff Smerdley, without whose saw none of this would have been possible — ”

Kanye Kanye West: “Hold on a second, Manic. Don’t misunderstand, I think you’re great and very ugly crepe myrtle. No disrespect, but there is just no way anybody can look at these competitors and give an award to anybody but Multiple Myrtle. Manic Myrtle is fine, but Multiple Myrtle is fine times three.”

President Obama:“I don’t really have anything to say about the contest, except that Kanye has always been a bit of a jackass.”

So there you have it, Grumpians! American democracy at its best! You’ll be glad to know that the winner still stands as proudly as before across the street from my house. And to all those who didn’t win, take heart. Thanks to our new system of universal health care, you’ll be able to purchase affordable lifetime pruning from a licensed professional. Best of all, you cannot be turned down for coverage due to a preexisting condition, such as crepe murder. Remember, proper pruning is not a privilege. It is a right.


  1. Grumpy Gardener (His Benevolence)

    Grumpy suggests you wait until after the tree goes dormant this fall and do some corrective pruning. Try not to “flat-top” the tree or leave large stubs. Always cut back a branch to where it meets another branch lower down.

    July 5, 2011 at 8:28 am
  2. nfoeley

    Sadly, this picure resembles our favoraitee crape myrle after a harsh winter ice storm that broke most major branches on one side and left what was a beautiful tree unbalanced and prone to further breakage. How can one fix this?

    July 4, 2011 at 2:17 pm
  3. Grumpy Gardener (His Grace)

    Well, at least I didn’t post a photo of Rosie O’Donnell.

    April 20, 2010 at 7:16 am
  4. Les

    I think you should warn people that they are likely to see such offensive photos. A casual browser, weak of heart could get quite a startle stumbling across something this hideous.

    April 19, 2010 at 8:55 pm
  5. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    What is your test?

    March 29, 2010 at 6:43 am
  6. Sharon Beasley

    This article was a good one.
    I like to give traveling tree trimmers that stop at my yard a test on how to properly prune trees. They never know.
    Sharon Beasley

    March 29, 2010 at 1:42 am
  7. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    In fact, President Obama reads it every morning as part of his daily briefing.

    March 28, 2010 at 8:32 am
  8. Henry H.

    I wouldn’t worry. It’s not like anyone reads this or anything….Just Kiddin Steve

    March 27, 2010 at 10:21 am
  9. Grumpy Gardener (His Magnificence)

    Actually, I am more likely to be killed if the neighbor across the street finds out the winner is his tree!

    March 25, 2010 at 11:11 am
  10. Jeff

    Across the street! That must kill you to look at it that frequently.

    March 24, 2010 at 7:12 pm

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