So You Think You Can Mow?

June 7, 2010 | By | Comments (7)

Guys who mow lawns for a living don’t get much respect. I mean, any moron can cut grass, right?


Apparently not.

This is what happens when some bozo who refused to read Stephen Hawking’s Guide to the Universe & Elementary Lawn Maintenance was allowed access to a Toro and some unguarded grass. He made a fundamental mistake and now his neighbors make fun of his kids and pelt him with rotten vegetables.

What causes a cutting pattern like this? Having the height levers next to the wheels set at different heights. So instead of producing a nice, even cut, you get a lawn that looks like waves washing up on the beach.

Now Grumpy is aware that many of you — especially my female readers — are quite fond of waves washing up on the beach. However…………IT IS NOT THE BEACH, IT IS YOUR LAWN. So tell that Stephen Hawking-hating husband of yours to do the job right for a change. This can be accomplished in 4 easy steps.

Step 1 — Locate the height lever next to the right front wheel. Set it at 1-1/2 inches.

Step 2 — Locate the height lever next to the left front wheel. Set it at 1-1/2 inches.

Step 3 — Locate the height lever next to the right rear wheel. Set it at 1-1/2 inches.

Step 4 – Locate the height lever next to the left rear wheel. Set it at 1-1/2 inches.

This height is appropriate for warm-season grasses (Bermuda, Zoysia, centipede, etc.) Cut cool-season grasses (bluegrass, tall fescue, etc.) at 2 inches. For more expert info on growing grass, click here.

Father’s Day Is Almost Here!

That’s right! America’s favorite holiday is fast approaching, which means you are in dire need of guidance from someone who knows what gifts every real man wants. Fear not! Next Monday, June 14, Grumpy shall publish his cherished, beloved, and eagerly awaited “Manly Garden Gifts for Father’s Day.” That will give you a whole week to do the right thing.

I’m so excited.


  1. Henry H.

    Steve in this guys defense, he was simply trying to “checker” his lawn and was obviously called away….
    Or he just had one shoe on….

    June 7, 2010 at 5:08 pm
  2. Dave

    Awful! Could you go over step 3 again please? ;)

    June 7, 2010 at 5:34 pm
  3. Kay Parris

    Probably thought he/she could cut it short and wouldn’t have to mow as often. Is this teenage logic?

    June 8, 2010 at 7:48 am
  4. Jean

    You can get this same effect if you have a flat tire on your riding lawnmower and you cant figure out whats wrong!

    June 8, 2010 at 1:10 pm
  5. Grumpy Gardener (His Benevolence)

    From your question, Dave, it is obvious that this is your lawn.

    June 9, 2010 at 3:48 pm
  6. Martha

    You can also get the same effect by putting one blade on upside down, as my husband can attest to.

    June 18, 2010 at 2:37 pm
  7. Grumpy Gardener (His Benevolence)

    He needs to manage off-shore drilling for BP!

    June 19, 2010 at 9:16 am