Cruising With Grumpy — A Festivus Miracle!

December 26, 2013 | By | Comments (2)
Festivus cruise

Brian, Judy, and Grumpy prepare for the feats of strength. Photo: Cosmo Kramer

For most families, gathering to trim the tree, exchange gifts, sing carols, sip some nog, and pretend you enjoy your sister’s screaming kids are what the holidays are all about. But not Grumpy’s group. We know this happy time is all about us. So once again this year, we’ve abandoned our friends and relatives to indulge in a Caribbean cruise.

Sounds just awful, I know. No Christmas tree to haul out to the curb at 12:05 AM on December 26. No necks to break as you attempt to take down the lights you foolishly hung on your chimney. No lines the length of the Great Wall of China to stand in to exchange gifts you don’t want. No arguments about who gets stuck taking home that brick of a fruitcake Bunny brought.

How can people live like this?

Well, the first thing we do is head for New Orleans. Not only is the Big Easy a major cruise ship port, but it’s also a fun place to enjoy a great meal and watch hordes of inebriated zombies chase down tourists and eat them. How do you know when you’ve reached New Orleans? Here’s a clue.

Festivus cruise

The friendly folks in New Orleans are always in good spirits. Photo: Steve Bender

When an entire aisle in a large grocery store is devoted solely to liquor, you’re in the Crescent City.

We leave the liquor to the inebriated zombies, because we have an early rise tomorrow morning. To start off a week of healthy eating, we’ll join the throngs at Cafe du Monde for coffee and beignets.

Festivus cruise

Nothing but healthy, fat-free goodness! Photo: Steve Bender

As we lustily munch the beignets, which we’re sure contain nothing but Vitamins and fiber, we remind ourselves — there’s still time to go home and spend time with our family.


We warily board our ship, Hedonism of the Seas, fully cognizant that for the next week, we’ll have nothing to do but eat, drink, sleep, relax, snorkel, and swim with dolphins. Oh sure, we can look out from our balcony, but every port will look just the same.

Festivus cruise

Photo: Steve Bender

I mean, how much of this can we take? We’re going to find out.

In the meantime, Grumpy would like thank you, his faithful reader, for being willing to settle for nothing but the best in garden writing for yet another year. You, like me, are the cream of the crop. We bask in our superiority.

See you back here in January.


  1. Michael McLeod

    Where can we get the Festivus tee shirt??

    January 5, 2017 at 7:13 am
  2. Jo

    Happy Festivus!

    December 26, 2013 at 9:29 pm

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